Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Now they're saying cigarettes can cause rectal cancer. I'll be okay though, I'm always very careful to put them in my mouth.

   If you can read but still watch The Jersey Shore, please donate your unused literacy to someone who might use it.

   A woman can say more in a sigh than a man can say in a sermon.

   What guys use pockets for: 7%: Putting stuff in it. 93%: Secretly scratching their balls.

   An omelet made terribly, is, at its worst, very good scrambled eggs.

   Seeing a loser from your high school w/ a good job is like graffiti on a highway bridge... how the Hell did that get there?

   I'm pretty sure the way my brother just depicted Oprah in Draw Something should be considered nothing short of a hate crime.

   One of my favorite hobbies before Facebook was having a life.

   Just once, can you get the weather forecast right, weather fuc*ers?

   Greece.You will get your weather back when you have paid the bills.

   Calories(noun)-Tiny creatures that live in your closet and sewyour clothes a little bit tighter every night.

   ‎2 days before the new iphone comes out the Blackberry network crashes... Well Played Apple!

   Pretty is something you're born with. But beautiful, that's an equal opportunity adjective.

   i wonder if men who wear skinny jeans have to wear thongs too since there is clearly no room for boxers or briefs in those things

   longing for the good old days when "Anarchists" were protesting for something other than more government.

   Some smartphone you turned out to be. You should have known better than to let me call my damn Ex.

   The problem with trying to avoid a problem by “playing stupid” is that far too often, you wind up looking like you won. .

   When the sex is good, the neighbours get no rest.

   Lifting the toilet seat AND putting it back down are 2 steps. If women really want equality, they're going to have to take on a step here.

   If you're going to play games with me, they are going to be by my rules!