Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Welcome to ATLANTA where we have three different sexes: Male, Female and Wendy Williams.

   Grocery stores need a "1 case of beer" check out line.

   How is it that people who think they know everything never know when to STFU?

   When you upload photos to Facebook, I'd appreciate it if you tagged your hot friends. It makes stalking them much easier. Thank you.

   Now they're saying cigarettes can cause rectal cancer. I'll be okay though, I'm always very careful to put them in my mouth.

   If you can read but still watch The Jersey Shore, please donate your unused literacy to someone who might use it.

   A woman can say more in a sigh than a man can say in a sermon.

   What guys use pockets for: 7%: Putting stuff in it. 93%: Secretly scratching their balls.

   An omelet made terribly, is, at its worst, very good scrambled eggs.

   Seeing a loser from your high school w/ a good job is like graffiti on a highway bridge... how the Hell did that get there?

   I'm pretty sure the way my brother just depicted Oprah in Draw Something should be considered nothing short of a hate crime.

   One of my favorite hobbies before Facebook was having a life.

   Just once, can you get the weather forecast right, weather fuc*ers?

   Greece.You will get your weather back when you have paid the bills.

   Calories(noun)-Tiny creatures that live in your closet and sewyour clothes a little bit tighter every night.

   ‎2 days before the new iphone comes out the Blackberry network crashes... Well Played Apple!

   Pretty is something you're born with. But beautiful, that's an equal opportunity adjective.

   i wonder if men who wear skinny jeans have to wear thongs too since there is clearly no room for boxers or briefs in those things

   longing for the good old days when "Anarchists" were protesting for something other than more government.

   Some smartphone you turned out to be. You should have known better than to let me call my damn Ex.