Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My daughter ran into the wall, fell, got up, and ran into the same wall. Thank god she's pretty.

   I ruined somebodys life today... They stole my identity.

   When you have someone by the balls their hearts and minds soon follow.

   Playing a new game on my girlfriends computer, its called guess the password.

   Wives want a video record of the birth of their child. Husbands want a record of the conception.

   I made some urgent upgrades to your computer. Did you know it had NO maple syrup in it before? Guess how much maple syrup it has now?... LOTS.

   would like to go see Magic Mike, but only to explore the narrative, artistic, cultural, economic, and political implications of the film.

   You know it's hot when you open your deoderant and it's sweating.

   I am sorry but I can't understand you with your clothes on.

   If she gives you the "Side Hug", You're in the Friend Zone.

   People always wonder why it is that a dog finds great joy sticking his head out of a car going 55mph, but if you blow in his face he'll try and kill you....it's your breath.

   If you want to get in to a womens pants, get into her mind.....that's what she uses to figure out if you're getting into her pants or not.

   Watching Linda Barrett exit the pool for the 1363rd time...Doesn't anybody knock anymore!!!

   its not easy talkin to someone with a zit thats about to blow

   Let's team up! With my looks and personality and intelligence and talent and your drink money, there'll be no stopping us!

   When I'm bored nobody texts me. When I'm busy I'm the most popular person on the planet.

   Can't wait to play the Lotto once again. I was so close last week. I was only off by 6 numbers.

   Sleep + social life = Bad grades. Good grades + sleep = No social life. Good grades + social life = No sleep.

   My girl was getting dressed and should stood in the doorway and asked "Do I look fat in this dress" I said "Nope, but that is definitely a narrow doorway"

   I wanna apologize for my behavior yesterday. I take allergy medicine and you're not suppose to mix it with 16 shots of tequila