Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why not just call her NORTH POLE because following in the footsteps of her mother KIM she is destined to be a stripper.

   At some point, you're gonna be naked. I wanna be there when it happens. Even if it means staying in this closet for another 12 hours.

   do we really care what kim kardasian named her next tv show?

   I'll be spending most of today putting Santa hats on all my Halloween decorations...

   I wrap the first few presents Martha Stewart style but towards the end they take on a drunk Helen Keller style.

   All these end-of-the-year top 10 things that happened in 2011 lists must be handy for people who were asleep all year or dead.

   older woman, into vampire storys about minors, and it's all "I'm team blah blah"... but when "I" bring home a vampire porn and pop it in on movie night..... suddenly "I'm the sicko"????

   Had to have the 'Drugs' talk with the teenage son the other night... had to warn him how easily he could get ripped off...

   Just got a booty call from life, apparently it still wants to keep fu$king me.

   I need some coffee just to get the energy to make coffee...

   I hate people who wear pajamas to the airport.

   My daughter ran into the wall, fell, got up, and ran into the same wall. Thank god she's pretty.

   I ruined somebodys life today... They stole my identity.

   When you have someone by the balls their hearts and minds soon follow.

   Playing a new game on my girlfriends computer, its called guess the password.

   Wives want a video record of the birth of their child. Husbands want a record of the conception.

   I made some urgent upgrades to your computer. Did you know it had NO maple syrup in it before? Guess how much maple syrup it has now?... LOTS.

   would like to go see Magic Mike, but only to explore the narrative, artistic, cultural, economic, and political implications of the film.

   You know it's hot when you open your deoderant and it's sweating.

   I am sorry but I can't understand you with your clothes on.