Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Had to have the 'Drugs' talk with the teenage son the other night... had to warn him how easily he could get ripped off...

   Just got a booty call from life, apparently it still wants to keep fu$king me.

   I need some coffee just to get the energy to make coffee...

   I hate people who wear pajamas to the airport.

   My daughter ran into the wall, fell, got up, and ran into the same wall. Thank god she's pretty.

   I ruined somebodys life today... They stole my identity.

   When you have someone by the balls their hearts and minds soon follow.

   Playing a new game on my girlfriends computer, its called guess the password.

   Wives want a video record of the birth of their child. Husbands want a record of the conception.

   I made some urgent upgrades to your computer. Did you know it had NO maple syrup in it before? Guess how much maple syrup it has now?... LOTS.

   would like to go see Magic Mike, but only to explore the narrative, artistic, cultural, economic, and political implications of the film.

   You know it's hot when you open your deoderant and it's sweating.

   I am sorry but I can't understand you with your clothes on.

   If she gives you the "Side Hug", You're in the Friend Zone.

   People always wonder why it is that a dog finds great joy sticking his head out of a car going 55mph, but if you blow in his face he'll try and kill you....it's your breath.

   If you want to get in to a womens pants, get into her mind.....that's what she uses to figure out if you're getting into her pants or not.

   Watching Linda Barrett exit the pool for the 1363rd time...Doesn't anybody knock anymore!!!

   its not easy talkin to someone with a zit thats about to blow

   Let's team up! With my looks and personality and intelligence and talent and your drink money, there'll be no stopping us!

   When I'm bored nobody texts me. When I'm busy I'm the most popular person on the planet.