Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If Satan punishes the evildoers, wouldn't that make him a good guy?

   I'll be spending most of today putting Santa hats on all my Halloween decorations...

   I don't think I'll ever forgive the media for covering “Dancing with the Stars” like it's news.

   I like you. I'm gonna put you on repeat til I get sick of you, then I'm gonna take you off my playlist.

   I think my best friends and I abuse each other more than the people we actually hate.

   Time Magazine names "The Protestor" as Person of the Year. If you disagree, congratulations, you just won Person of the Year!

   Welcome to ATLANTA where we have three different sexes: Male, Female and Wendy Williams.

   Grocery stores need a "1 case of beer" check out line.

   How is it that people who think they know everything never know when to STFU?

   When you upload photos to Facebook, I'd appreciate it if you tagged your hot friends. It makes stalking them much easier. Thank you.

   Now they're saying cigarettes can cause rectal cancer. I'll be okay though, I'm always very careful to put them in my mouth.

   If you can read but still watch The Jersey Shore, please donate your unused literacy to someone who might use it.

   A woman can say more in a sigh than a man can say in a sermon.

   What guys use pockets for: 7%: Putting stuff in it. 93%: Secretly scratching their balls.

   An omelet made terribly, is, at its worst, very good scrambled eggs.

   Seeing a loser from your high school w/ a good job is like graffiti on a highway bridge... how the Hell did that get there?

   I'm pretty sure the way my brother just depicted Oprah in Draw Something should be considered nothing short of a hate crime.

   If she gives you the "Side Hug", You're in the Friend Zone.

   People always wonder why it is that a dog finds great joy sticking his head out of a car going 55mph, but if you blow in his face he'll try and kill you....it's your breath.

   If you want to get in to a womens pants, get into her mind.....that's what she uses to figure out if you're getting into her pants or not.