Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The awkward moment when halfway through telling a story you realize it is pointless.

   I haven't been this bored since my summer as an Amish mechanic .

   For Sale: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. Never read because wife already knows everything.

   The GOP has now turned into the GQP, and this is why I'm out!

   Michael Vick says he wants a dog someday. Which is a little bit like John Wayne Gacy saying he'd someday like to have a teenage boy.

   I'm not saying you're a D!ck but Brett Favre just texted me your picture.

   had absolutely no sympathy for the large woman who dropped her mars bar in front of me today but physically couldnt get down to pick it up

   America has a whole day dedicated to a film starring Will Smith...

   figured out that the shin bone is intended for finding furniture in a dark room.

   as bored as a midget in a theme park

   OMG another wardrobe malfunction at the Super Bowl! Did anyone else see Pete Townsend's belly????

   Party tonight, bring booze or chicks. Seperate, or one already in the other. Your call...

   Does Red or White Wine go better with Swedish Fish?

   moving to the country and gonna eat me a lot of peaches

   the most confident when naked, too bad I can't be naked in front of my interviewers.

   HATE: a SPECIAL KIND OF LOVE GIVEN TO PEOPLE WHO SUCK!

   I never trust anyone with my phone. I mean they might tweet something inspirational and that's a risk I'm not willing to take.

   Don't run with scissors because you might accidentally trip, fall and cut the grand opening ribbon of a new museum 2 weeks ahead of schedule

   Saying that "Gun sellers are accomplices to crimes" would be like me saying spoons made me fat.

   Wonder what events al-Qaeda will be participating in.