Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I bought one of those Lance Armstrong bikes. I tried to put it together but it was missing a Nut.

   I ate 4 cans of alphabet soup,,, and just took probably the biggest vowel movement ever

   Hillary Clinton is easily the scariest of all the Muppets

   When people ask for candy I'm eating, I give them the flavor I don't like.

   Adam's first words to Eve: "Stand back, I don`t know how big this thing gets!"

   **when I die don't write "R.I.P" on my grave. . write "B.R.B"**

   Somewhere in Alaska, Sarah Palin is crying into her bucket of Chick-Fil-A.

   I wonder if the guy that changes Casey Anthony's oil knows a thing or two about brakes and being a national hero?

   6.9 is just like 69, but a period got in the way.

   “Even in a happy relationship, it's seems to be possible to have a wandering eye or even crave affection from another person.

   I was so depressed last night and called a Suicide Hotline. I had to press 1 for English. I was connected to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck….

   I'm wondering what we can trade Obama for ???

   I'd imagine that muslim sex dolls blow themselves up.

   It’s President Obama’s birthday. I can’t believe it’s been 61 years since his mother forged his birth certificate.

   Gee. Lets ask an openly christian man who owns a chain of restaurants that are closed on Sunday what his beliefs on gay marriage are, then act surprised when we find out his beliefs.... Idiots.

   purposely pouring water on Gremlins

   processing please wait

   Jesus, take the wheel. My beer just rolled under the seat..

   Verizon's new slogan: Kenya hear me now.

   [How Most Wars Have Started Between Countries] "You believe in God?", "No" , (BANG!!). or "You believe in God?" , "Yes" , "You believe in MY God?" , "No" , (BANG!!)