Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you watch Rambo backwards, it's about a medic with a magical bullet vacuum.

   I once asked my Dad if it was ok to love a midget, he said son- It just depends if you're nuts over her.

   I once went to a diner and ordered a chicken salad sandwich and an egg salad sandwich to see which would come first.

   Too many people spend money they haven't earned, to buy things they don't want, to impress people they don't like.

   Elementary math problems are weird. "'I had 10 chocolate bars and ate 9. What do I have now?'" Oh, I don't know... DIABETES MAYBE!!!"

   ~• << Picture of me when I was younger, I was so cute. :D

   Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he'll eat for life.... Give an octopus nunchuks,,, and no one's eating fish ever again.

   What does frozen beer, burnt pizza and a pregnant girl all have in common? A dumba$$ who forgot to take it out in time.

   My son's just had a tattoo of a heart, a spade, a club and a diamond. I'll deal with him later.

   Here is my new idea. In the express lane, once the cashier rings up 1 item too many, 50 pounds of pig sh!t falls on the customer.

   Considering it's climate and geographical location, I am surprised at the incredible amount and gigantic volume of Snowflakes there are in California!!!

   I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.

   I bought one of those Lance Armstrong bikes. I tried to put it together but it was missing a Nut.

   Hillary Clinton is easily the scariest of all the Muppets

   I ate 4 cans of alphabet soup,,, and just took probably the biggest vowel movement ever

   When people ask for candy I'm eating, I give them the flavor I don't like.

   Adam's first words to Eve: "Stand back, I don`t know how big this thing gets!"

   **when I die don't write "R.I.P" on my grave. . write "B.R.B"**

   Somewhere in Alaska, Sarah Palin is crying into her bucket of Chick-Fil-A.

   6.9 is just like 69, but a period got in the way.