Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The heart wants what the liquor store has.

   The closest I've come to camping was that one time when I fell asleep in the bushes outside your window with my camera.

   A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.

   there such a thing as an April Fools' pregnancy test? Asking for a friend.

   It's like these fools at the gym have never seen a girl with roller skates on the treadmill before.

   I knew the sex was over when she woke up.

   Today is one of those days, so unless you're bringing me a beer DO NOT come within slapping reach!

   I'm not one to judge Brotha, but that white tailgate on your black truck screams "salvage title".

   Someone just told me good morning and now I have to go to HR

   Am temporarily using a bedcover as a curtain for one of my windows...I hope people assume am a heroin addict and not poor

   What idiot called it "insomnia" and not "resisting a rest"?

   Someday health nuts are going to look awful stupid laying in a hospital dying from nothing.

   I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man.

   I'm old but not "Change to Channel 3 to play video games" old.

   "Walk Like an Egyptian" is probably my favorite song about walking like an Egyptian, if I had to choose..

   Our lazy neighbor cant even rake his yard without clutching his chest and falling down...

   Sorry can't... Watching "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" and taking copious notes.

   over the river and through the woods, man this Uber driver is lost

   Not everyone in the front row is a fan. Your biggest hater will disguise themselves as a friend so that they can get closest to you and strike at close range.

   Someone in Walmart just bumped into me and my IQ dropped ten points.