Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm not one to judge Brotha, but that white tailgate on your black truck screams "salvage title".

   Someone just told me good morning and now I have to go to HR

   Am temporarily using a bedcover as a curtain for one of my windows...I hope people assume am a heroin addict and not poor

   What idiot called it "insomnia" and not "resisting a rest"?

   Someday health nuts are going to look awful stupid laying in a hospital dying from nothing.

   I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man.

   I'm old but not "Change to Channel 3 to play video games" old.

   "Walk Like an Egyptian" is probably my favorite song about walking like an Egyptian, if I had to choose..

   Our lazy neighbor cant even rake his yard without clutching his chest and falling down...

   Sorry can't... Watching "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" and taking copious notes.

   over the river and through the woods, man this Uber driver is lost

   Not everyone in the front row is a fan. Your biggest hater will disguise themselves as a friend so that they can get closest to you and strike at close range.

   Someone in Walmart just bumped into me and my IQ dropped ten points.

   FYI: The average resident in Detroit has been murdered a minimum of 6 times

   Hey Kanye....you think you made Taylor Swift famous? That's so cute.

   Kiss me I'm Irish, put a little tongue in it, I'm French too

   Fuel savings tip: Drive downhill as much as possible. If you must drive uphill, take a different route that goes downhill instead.

   Splenda Daddy: A man who strives to be a Sugar Daddy but just doesn't have the funds to pull it off.

   How do you embarrass an archeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

   Ted Cruz kept saying God wanted him to be President, and this is what happened. So either there is no God, or he reeeally doesn't like Ted.