Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Trying to take something out of the oven without burning myself is like playing adult Operation.

   Renault and Ford are coming out with a new car. It's a combo of the Clio and Taurus. It's called the Clitaurus. It comes in pink and male thieves won't be able to find it even if someone tells them where it is!!!!

   I don't feel so bad about not having an up to date phone. I just saw a woman jogging past my house carrying a Walkman.

   In addition to the Block,,, Facebook needs to add a Tackle option.

   I'm not farting, I'm equalizing my internal pressure.

   Save it for someone who's sober and cares.

   I Just updated my will & left my entire estate to my friends here,,,, Good luck figuring out how to split up a half jar of Miracle Whip..

   Don't give me that look, I said I was single not dying.

   I don't care how many athelets and hotties you hire Buick, I'm 40 years from owning one...

   I'm just not that into you. Maybe we should try a different position.

   all my mistakes have had names.

   I bet if pigs could fly, their wings would taste delicious!

   I'm not sure what colon hydrotherapy is....... But I AM sure I don't need a Groupon for that..

   Satan has introduced many awful things to mankind like herpes and aids, but I'd say one of his worst has got to be The Gangnam Style.

   I'm not sure what I hate most about rain. The fact that it's cold, it's wet, or it instantly turns everyone else on the road but you into a bad driver.

   Our baby woke up in the other room while my wife and I were having sex. Great, now I get to hear two people cry.

   Santa works one day a year and spends the other 364 judging people. Where can I apply for this job?

   If I were a sheriff in the old west, I'd make some "WANTED" posters that said "NOT INTERESTED" so insecure outlaws would just come to me.

   The last time I saw something as ugly as your face I pinned a tail on it.

   Woke up face down in a ditch, I must have tried to tell a woman what to do again.