Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 2997 of 6446

Trying to take something out of the oven without burning myself is like playing adult Operation.
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08-10-2012 16:23 by SEAN
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Renault and Ford are coming out with a new car. It's a combo of the Clio and Taurus. It's called the Clitaurus. It comes in pink and male thieves won't be able to find it even if someone tells them where it is!!!!
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08-12-2012 15:48 by FLA Pauly
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I don't feel so bad about not having an up to date phone. I just saw a woman jogging past my house carrying a Walkman.
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08-23-2012 18:37 by K-Mac
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In addition to the Block,,, Facebook needs to add a Tackle option.
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08-28-2012 07:17 by snotty
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I'm not farting, I'm equalizing my internal pressure.
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09-20-2012 07:24
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Save it for someone who's sober and cares.
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09-25-2012 09:46 by Baddie
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I Just updated my will & left my entire estate to my friends here,,,, Good luck figuring out how to split up a half jar of Miracle Whip..
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09-26-2012 21:45 by snotty
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Don't give me that look, I said I was single not dying.
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09-27-2012 02:44
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I don't care how many athelets and hotties you hire Buick, I'm 40 years from owning one...
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09-29-2012 21:10
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I'm just not that into you. Maybe we should try a different position.
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10-11-2012 02:48 by Baddie
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all my mistakes have had names.
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10-14-2012 14:35
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I bet if pigs could fly, their wings would taste delicious!

I'm not sure what colon hydrotherapy is....... But I AM sure I don't need a Groupon for that..
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02-15-2013 22:31 by snotty
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Satan has introduced many awful things to mankind like herpes and aids, but I'd say one of his worst has got to be The Gangnam Style.
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02-22-2013 08:35 by Czovczov
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I'm not sure what I hate most about rain. The fact that it's cold, it's wet, or it instantly turns everyone else on the road but you into a bad driver.

Our baby woke up in the other room while my wife and I were having sex. Great, now I get to hear two people cry.
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03-12-2013 05:48
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Santa works one day a year and spends the other 364 judging people. Where can I apply for this job?

If I were a sheriff in the old west, I'd make some "WANTED" posters that said "NOT INTERESTED" so insecure outlaws would just come to me.

The last time I saw something as ugly as your face I pinned a tail on it.

Woke up face down in a ditch, I must have tried to tell a woman what to do again.
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03-22-2013 11:54 by Czovczov
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