Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think my dirty clothes are lazy....I've given them a whole week and they still haven't moved any closer to the washer.

   You can take your "third time's a charm" and shove it right up your "I deserve a second chance."

   Please pray for the guy holding his girlfriend's hand and trying to use his phone with his other hand. You can do it buddy.

   Country music was much better back when they sang about murdering people all the time

   Adorable when people think that I’d care enough to hate them.

   If you think my lunchbox looks a lot like a 12 pack, you're right... except there's only 4 left now! :)

   Respect is earned, Honesty is appreciated, Love is gained and Loyalty is returned.

   Every Bond movie is like a porno that never happens.

   Let's just say, if prematurely ejaculation was an Olympics sport, I would come first.

   dont act like you've never passed out in the middle of the street in roller blades

   Trying to take something out of the oven without burning myself is like playing adult Operation.

   Renault and Ford are coming out with a new car. It's a combo of the Clio and Taurus. It's called the Clitaurus. It comes in pink and male thieves won't be able to find it even if someone tells them where it is!!!!

   I don't feel so bad about not having an up to date phone. I just saw a woman jogging past my house carrying a Walkman.

   In addition to the Block,,, Facebook needs to add a Tackle option.

   I'm not farting, I'm equalizing my internal pressure.

   Save it for someone who's sober and cares.

   I Just updated my will & left my entire estate to my friends here,,,, Good luck figuring out how to split up a half jar of Miracle Whip..

   Don't give me that look, I said I was single not dying.

   I don't care how many athelets and hotties you hire Buick, I'm 40 years from owning one...

   I'm just not that into you. Maybe we should try a different position.