Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   R.I.P Brian Griffin. Family GUy won'y be the same without you...

   4/20? More like 1/5. Stupid stoners forgot to reduce their fractions

   I'm not saying I gained weight over the holidays... All I'm saying is bring me Solo and the Wookie.

   walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k and 1mb. That was a trip down memory lane.

   I remember when I was younger "Friday the 13th" used to make think about Jason movies. Now all I can think about is "Do the bars have any specials today?"

   they do not celebrate the 4th of July in Mexico so why am I celebrating the 5th of May here? I don't need an excuse to drink tequila; that is a nightly occurrence...

   I just read a list of 'the 100 things to do before you die'. I'm pretty surprised 'yell for help' wasn't one of them...

   Oveheard on the "short" bus.....If you're happy and you know it stomp your hands

   Panhandling is so much easier with a red bucket and a bell.

   im like buger king and your like mcdonalds il have it my way and yu will be loving it

   n't it annoying when you accidentally drop something like a bread crumb into your keyboard and you have to get ighhghghghghhghghbhbhghgbhbhbggggggggggggh

   I've got a brand new attitude, and I'm gonna wear it tonight

   How many times can you be poked on FB before you're considered a Ho???

   Ladies if you wanna get yo man a tie this Christmas thats fine...Just make sure you are wearing tie with nothing else on when you give it too him...

   The universe is 14 billion years old. It seems silly to celebrate one year... Be like having a parade every time I take a piss.

   I was arrested by a policeman for sitting in the park not doing anything. The charge was impersonating a politician.

   Most people sleep peaceably in their beds at night because there are men out there ready to do violence on their behalf.

   The FBI keeps insisting that the greatest threat to America is "Right Wing Extremist Groups." In the mean time people & cops are being murdered across the nation by anything other than that. Beginning to think the biggest threat is those FBI warnings.

   The Un-United States of America.....

   I saw a guy hit 2 good balls today playing golf. He stepped on a rake.