Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Panhandling is so much easier with a red bucket and a bell.

   walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k and 1mb. That was a trip down memory lane.

   I remember when I was younger "Friday the 13th" used to make think about Jason movies. Now all I can think about is "Do the bars have any specials today?"

   Ladies if you wanna get yo man a tie this Christmas thats fine...Just make sure you are wearing tie with nothing else on when you give it too him...

   The universe is 14 billion years old. It seems silly to celebrate one year... Be like having a parade every time I take a piss.

   I used to complain because I had no shoes. Then I met a man who had no feet. So I asked him if he had any shoes I could have since he didn't need them anymore.

   Most people sleep peaceably in their beds at night because there are men out there ready to do violence on their behalf.

   The British Navy was able to defeat the Spanish Armada because they knew how to get more miles to the Galleon.

   Women fall in love by what they hear. Men fall in love with what they see. That's why women wear makeup and men lie.

   All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.

   I don’t know who needs to hear this, but raccoons are terrible in bed.

   I invented the cold air balloon, but it never really took off

   Can’t believe we gave up hunting and gathering to pay rent.

   I was arrested by a policeman for sitting in the park not doing anything. The charge was impersonating a politician.

   The FBI keeps insisting that the greatest threat to America is "Right Wing Extremist Groups." In the mean time people & cops are being murdered across the nation by anything other than that. Beginning to think the biggest threat is those FBI warnings.

   The Un-United States of America.....

   I saw a guy hit 2 good balls today playing golf. He stepped on a rake.

   I miss the good ole days of sitting on the porch at nite watching the bugs fry on the bug zapper. How we would laugh and laugh.

   They are not my haters, they are my fans! They just don't know it yet.

   I hate how "lol" turns a perfectly good conversation into awkward silence for at least 10 seconds