Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Most atheists aren't angry about the various religions. They're angry about the dangerous people who misinterpret these religions.

   Double dates are fun and games til you're too drunk to remember which girl is yours.

   I'll start to believe video games cause people to be violent when I see someone get arrested for killing a pig by slingshotting a bird at it.

   Donald Trump endorsing someone for President is like Dr. Phil endorsing someone for Surgeon General.

   Amputees may take risks, but they never go out on a limb.

   Coors Light Iced Tea? Really??? C.L.I.T.?

   For my constipated, politically-correct readers: Happy African American Friday!

   IHOP is like Walmart but with pancakes.

   Today is the national change your profile picture to a picture of you picking your nose. all the cool kids are doing it. Leave your nosepicking picture up til the super bowl. copy and paste this to your profile after you change your pic!

   FREE NUDE SHOW: Walk into a women's tanning salon and yell "FIRE!"

   why did the chicken cross the road? To show POSSUM's that it can be done!!

   Wife: Don't Drink Today, or Else No Sex Tonight Husband gives it plenty of Thought Confused What To Choose: 12 yr old Whisky or... 40 yr old Cake

   In the beginning of a relationship the men go into it thinking this might be fun...and the women go into it thinking this might be the one.

   The way to a girls heart, is through your wallet.

   if only 3 people live in my house... why is there 7 toothbrushes?

   the sky is so clear today ...Watch out for God will be seeing us in a very high resolution

   I'm only speeding because I really have to poop.

   If I had a pu$$y, I would never be broke!

   NASA found methane on Mars! Proving once again that no matter how ancient a civilization is, it's farts that truly endure.

   Scientists say we could reduce dependence on fossil fuels 95% if we could harness the energy of Dallas Cowboys fans complaining about refs.