Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The way to a girls heart, is through your wallet.

   if only 3 people live in my house... why is there 7 toothbrushes?

   the sky is so clear today ...Watch out for God will be seeing us in a very high resolution

   I'm only speeding because I really have to poop.

   If I had a pu$$y, I would never be broke!

   NASA found methane on Mars! Proving once again that no matter how ancient a civilization is, it's farts that truly endure.

   Scientists say we could reduce dependence on fossil fuels 95% if we could harness the energy of Dallas Cowboys fans complaining about refs.

   A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.

   Gorilla Lives Matter

   How have Tampax and Hershey's not released a combo pack yet?

   R.I.P Brian Griffin. Family GUy won'y be the same without you...

   4/20? More like 1/5. Stupid stoners forgot to reduce their fractions

   I'm not saying I gained weight over the holidays... All I'm saying is bring me Solo and the Wookie.

   im like buger king and your like mcdonalds il have it my way and yu will be loving it

   n't it annoying when you accidentally drop something like a bread crumb into your keyboard and you have to get ighhghghghghhghghbhbhghgbhbhbggggggggggggh

   I've got a brand new attitude, and I'm gonna wear it tonight

   How many times can you be poked on FB before you're considered a Ho???

   they do not celebrate the 4th of July in Mexico so why am I celebrating the 5th of May here? I don't need an excuse to drink tequila; that is a nightly occurrence...

   I just read a list of 'the 100 things to do before you die'. I'm pretty surprised 'yell for help' wasn't one of them...

   Oveheard on the "short" bus.....If you're happy and you know it stomp your hands