Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I confuse metaphors like its my business

   My girlfriend would be so mad if he found out that I'm telling people she's my girlfriend.

   Vodka works better than Mistletoe at Christmas Parties. That's because with Vodka someone is getting kissed whether they want it or not.

   Give a man a fish and you'll feed him for a day... Give a man a poisonous fish and you'll feed him for the rest of his life

   I wish minimum wage went up as much as the price of postage stamps...

   I don't know whats worse, getting your ass kicked by kanye West or getting hit by a smart car.

   This game is making me hungry for Omaha steaks

   If I used to flirt with you everyday and then I suddenly stopped, don't stress. Its not because I no longer find you hot and attractive. It's probably because I received a death threat from your husband.

   Bruce Jenner looks like a FREAK ! Damn Dude, enough with the plastic surgery and hair implants...just grow old gracefully!

   ben rothlisberger's suspension reduced to 4 games ..he is going to celebrate tonioght at a sorority party!

   I'm determined to conquer every obstacle, and make impossible possible. Even when winning is illogical, losing is still far from optional.

   off slapping people with pickles

   If only you knew what I was capable of...

   "They" say money and sex is the root of all evil. Well I think "They" are just poor virgins.

   just let me know if there's anything I can do this month to further the cause of healthy breasts

   Sometimes "dressing for the job you want" is referred to as "impersonating an officer".

   This just in from ESPN. The woman Ben Roethlisberger assaulted is pregnant. The big news is Mel Kiper already has him as a first rounder in his mock draft.

   Urban Commandment: Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

   When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead

   I play farmville and cafe world on facebook. Does that mean I have to file self employed on my taxes?