Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If it weren't for marriage,,, men would spend their lives thinking they had no faults at all.

   Me: "Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?"... Wife: "Well, what does it say on it?.Me: "Boston Bruins.".. Wife: "You're an idiot "..

   9 months before I was born, I went to a party with my Dad and left with my Mom.

   FREE HARLEY DAVIDSON; When you purchase a tee-shirt for $40.000

   GARDENING. Cheaper than therapy and ya get tomatos!

   You seem to have a good grip on reality. You're new here, aren't you?

   If it weren't for the idiotic media, idiots like the Kartrashians would cease to be dominating TV and printed press like they are today.

   I think I'll open a German delicatessen and call it "The Best of the Wurst."

   I think at my age the next tattoo will be more responsible like a dragon across my back but doing his taxes.

   To my stalker, while you're in my neighborhood, can you deliver me a pizza. . .

   I don't think marrying your best friend is such a good idea. Specially cause you're human and he's a dog.

   Kellogg's is considering taking "Rice" Krispies off the market....realizing the snap,crackle,POP ! has gone way too far ...

   just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they are not out to get you.

   I'm not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down

   Pretty sure you could "pull life support" from me just by turning off the a/c

   I think that a lot of conflict that happened in the Wild West could've been avoided had architects in those days just made their towns big enough for everyone.

   Went to my niece's elementary school field day this week... I won every single event... Every... Single... Event.

   The IBS drug commercial that mentions "urgent diarrhea" implies there's also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I've never had?.... IDK

   ♫♪ " ...It's beginning to look a lot like ̶̶C̶̶H̶̶R̶̶I̶̶S̶̶T̶̶M̶̶A̶̶S̶̶ El Niño, everywhere I go..." ♫♪

   *Hospital front desk... "Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-"... *wife hits me.. "Baby delivery,, I mean she's here to deliver a baby"