Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   still a free agent mulling over my options. I will however continue to entertain decent offers.

   The only thing standing between me and greatness is millions of people who are more talented and want it more.

   If watching He-man cartoons has taught me anything it's that you can solve any problem with a sword.

   Canadian Thanksgiving tip #43: The meal isn't over until you hate yourself.

   Idea: We lure Godzilla to Washington D.C., and then claim the insurance money. (we could balance the budget and start over)

   I don't simply have problems like people often talk about. I just date or marry them.

   I'm glad cheese doesn't know what's about to happen to it when I show up.

   FYI I will be handing out 1 oz Bottles of "spirits" tonight to keep them kiddies warm

   Let's just have sex.. I don't need another friend.

   If it weren't for marriage,,, men would spend their lives thinking they had no faults at all.

   Me: "Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?"... Wife: "Well, what does it say on it?.Me: "Boston Bruins.".. Wife: "You're an idiot "..

   9 months before I was born, I went to a party with my Dad and left with my Mom.

   FREE HARLEY DAVIDSON; When you purchase a tee-shirt for $40.000

   GARDENING. Cheaper than therapy and ya get tomatos!

   You seem to have a good grip on reality. You're new here, aren't you?

   If it weren't for the idiotic media, idiots like the Kartrashians would cease to be dominating TV and printed press like they are today.

   I think I'll open a German delicatessen and call it "The Best of the Wurst."

   I think at my age the next tattoo will be more responsible like a dragon across my back but doing his taxes.

   To my stalker, while you're in my neighborhood, can you deliver me a pizza. . .

   I don't think marrying your best friend is such a good idea. Specially cause you're human and he's a dog.