Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Women always say 'all men want is sex' ....that's a lie. They want head too.

   These ‘energy saving' light-bulbs are bullsh!t. They take just as much effort to screw in as the ordinary ones.

   You know you're in the wrong part of town, when you start seeing pay phones...

   Life's too short to wake up in a bad mood- I save mine until I get to work.

   I can't even take a picture these days without someone yelling at me, "You better not put that on Facebook!"

   I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

   I'm pretty tired of these kids running lemonade stands acting like they've never even heard of vodka before.

   I'm not good in relationships.My last relationship ended when I didn't open the car door for her. Instead I just swam up to the surface.

   .I hate it when celebrities get on TV and tell us to donate to some fund… B!tch, you make 12 million a movie & I make $12/hr. You send money..

   Dear life, When I asked if my day could get worse it was a rhetorical question not a challenge.

   Fun Fact: Half of the current value of the US Stock Market was created between 1817 and 2009. The other half was created under the current Republican congress.

   Forget about the past, you can't change it. Forget about the future, you can't predict it. Forget about the present, I didn't get you one.

   well...I can't afford a breast lift. Suppose I could pierce my nipples and wear a magnet around my neck!!

   Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? I still have to get up and take the disc out. It's like having a remote to open the fridge

   starting group meetings at my house for people with OCD, & if anyone feels the urge to tidy up, by all means go ahead

   Whenever I don't hear from someone in a while I think, "Oh, sh$t They found out."

   I heard there's a new drink bartenders are making, it's called a "Hurricane Sandy", essentially it's just a watered down Manhattan. (too soon?)

   I almost talked my way out of a ticket today by telling a female cop she was very attractive...but things went sour when I said "and that's not just the booze talking either".

   He knows when you are sleeping He knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or good… Sounds like Santa's got a Facebook.

   Dear sneeze, If you're gonna happen, happen. Don't put a stupid look on my face and leave.