Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   that awkward moment when you realized that thousands of other people actually went to google and typed in "funny facebook status's"

   I hate when you play Call of Duty before bed and then you toss and turn all night dreaming about playing. I was so tired this morning that I thought I needed a Claymore by the bathroom door when getting into the shower.

   Twenty bucks says The Royal Divorce will get better ratings. Also, note to self, that's an amazing band name.

   I hanker for a hunka, a slab or slice or chunka, I hanker for a hunka cheese. When your get up and go has got up and went......

   How do we know Adam and Eve were white? Ever try to take a rib from a black guy?

   ..... If stomping on the US Flag is considered Protected Free Speech ..... Well heck ... Then so is stomping on someone who is stomping on the Flag.

   Deez Nuts: Fictional Presidential Candidate Ahead of Hillary Clinton, Poll Finds

   The Orange man sure has a knack for sabotaging himself.

   Some young millennial social justice warrior told me I need to check my white privilege. OK. I checked. I'm white and feel privileged to be so. I'm done here.

   An ambien walks into a Barr.

   I just bought a new Jeep. I named it Elizabeth Warren because it's all white yet says it's a Cherokee.

   Not to panic anyone, but Mad Max took place in the year 2021.

   Exercise gives you energy, but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a Pyramid Scheme to me.

   Shout out to all the brave men that had to make their own sandwich for lunch today.

   Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.

   My friend Suzanne & I used to babysit her nephew Rocky after he was born. I remember when Rock was young. Me and Suzy had so much fun.

   HURRY WHILE IT LAST LIMITED TIME OFFER!!! I HAVE 2 NON- HANDICAPPED FRONT ROW PARKING SPOTS AT WALMART $50

   Sometimes I get mad at my hand just for the make up sex.

   10 years ago, Janet Jackson's single nipple. Now I just saw all of the Red Hot Chili Pepper's nipples. Look how far we've come!

   Bill Cosby is rebranding as a rapper called Quaaludacris.