Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes and thought, "Wow, dogs are easily entertained." Then I realized I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes...

   The funniest thing I've ever discovered. Go to Google Maps, then click get directions in the top left corner. Start in Japan and make your destination China. Look at direction number 43.

   You'd be amazed how often I'm wrong when people say guess what.

   Its ironic how the colors Red, White and Blue represent freedom... until they are flashing behind your back.

   I wonder how old Jenna Jameson's twin sons will be when they realize they weren't the first two guys to be in their mom at the same time.

   reuse, recycle, regift.

   Today I'm going to sleep naked. 14 mosquitos likes this

   I drank an energy drink so if anyone needs help packing, pushing your car to a gas station or shaking the leaves off your trees let me know.

   At a wedding reception someone yelled: "All the married men please stand next to the person that made your life worth living…" The bartender was crushed to death…

   1 tequila, 2 tequilas, 3 tequiklas, 4 teuiqlas, 5 teuiqlsd, 6 teiqulkss, 7 eteiqlas, 8 treqiklas, 9 trwqiukas 10 trewqiÃ...

   At work, when you don't know what to do, just walk fast and look worried.

   "In this same office, firing you." - Best answer to the "where do you see yourself in 10 years?" job interview question.

   I can't decide if people who wear pajamas in public have given up on life or are living it to the fullest.

   The quickest way to get someone's attention is to no longer want it.

   RIP Leslie Nielsen. I promise not to call you Shirley.

   says, "If you want something in life, you have to work hard for it... Now shut up! They're about to announce the winning lottery numbers!"

   There is nothing worse than watching the new guy at Subway make your sandwich.

   I bet the YMCA dance is alot harder to do in Chinese.

   Who else backspaces their whole password, even if only one letter is wrong?

   Sometimes I whisper, "I'm on your side" to the computers, just in case they ever succeed in taking over the world....