Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I will be hosting the next meeting of the Somerset Time Travel club. It will be held Wednesday of last week. We will be serving breakfast for supper. Please plan to attend! We really missed you next week.

   Screw Congress! Me and some drinking buddies have decided we're gonna re-open the government our way!

   My Boyfriend tried to talk me into making a sex tape. I'm like, 'Cool, we just need to get someone else to play your part'

   The worst part of getting your Smart Car Tipped is probably trying to win enough Chuck E. Cheese tickets to get another one.....

   Dudes who watch The Bachelor, what does mensturation feel like?

   *Justin Bieber goes to jail *Writes "Free JB!" on wall in protest *learns cellmate is dyslexic

   Attention!!! Christmas has been canceled this year!!! I told Santa that I had been good. He died laughing...

   If her p*ssy tastes like vinegar, she wasn't expecting you to get this far.”

   Tim Tebow: "I'm a Christian" Me: "I don't care" Jason Collins: "I'm gay" Me: "I don't care"

   My wife does all the cooking. Except the meth. I cook all the meth.

   If lifes a B*tch, Then Why Hasnt It made Me a Sandwhich?

   My sister just texted me that she’s pregnant… I’m gonna be a dad!

   riding ponies outside Wal-Mart. . .I need quarters

   Do you think the black iPhone run faster than the white iPhone

   All of my passwords are "incorrect" so my computer always tells me if I forget.

   Tired of the dying person who keeps emailing with his billion dollars. I hope he dies soon so he would quit sending the emails.

   thinks cocaine is a good way of telling you that you make too much money

   NO Katy Perry, I have NEVER felt like a plastic bag!

   Next time send the navy seals after Casey, not the Orange county sheriff

   i'm not a stalker I just like impromptu games of follow the leader...... to their house