Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Status message updates and sayings for your Facebook, Twitter, or Whatsapp profile.

Sort:  Recent   |   Oldest   |   Rating
Filter On | Filter Off

Search Messages:
Page: 292 of 5374

   messageicon I'll be damned if after the 5 longest minutes of my life, I'm going to "let cool in microwave for 1 minute".
←Rate | 04-08-2012 04:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon f you feel sad, remember: There are people out there right now buying last-minute Christmas presents for their cats.
←Rate | 12-22-2011 08:52 by flinnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon Turn a man down for sex, he gets over it. Turn a woman down? Oh. My. God.
←Rate | 06-14-2012 14:39 Comments (2)  

   messageicon If I had a year to live, I would spend it with my ex... because it would be the longest year of my life.
←Rate | 06-15-2012 22:04 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon Yes, that's correct!.....And the Horse you rode in on!!
←Rate | 07-04-2012 15:28 by Abraham lincoln Comments (0)  

   messageicon The only Spanish phrase you need to learn is, "I know you guys are talkin sh*t about me."
←Rate | 05-04-2012 22:11 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon The guy who invented "Take Your Child To Work Day" probably forgot to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
←Rate | 05-15-2012 11:17 by SEAN Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you're looking to work 2 hours a day, 3 days a week for about $1000 a week please contact me!!! We can look for it together.
←Rate | 05-25-2012 13:50 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon I always learn from the mistake of others who take my advice
←Rate | 01-30-2012 13:04 by Tsparks Comments (0)  

   messageicon Remember, an easily stolen ADT security sign placed on your lawn is the first line of defense against crime.
←Rate | 02-08-2012 08:47 by flinnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ladies that don't know what to get your man for valentines day, I have your answer...Forget the cutesy stuff!!! Get alcohol, feed him Red Meat and have sex with him wearing red and pink. Trust me I'm a guy...
←Rate | 02-13-2012 22:19 by Matt McCord Comments (0)  

   messageicon How to scare burglars off. First, put pictures on the wall of you with a tiger. Second, put a cat litter box in your hall and sh$t in it.
←Rate | 03-02-2012 21:22 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm so gangsta that I change the channels holding the remote sideways.
←Rate | 10-17-2011 13:15 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon A tooth allegedly belonging to John Lennon is being put up for auction… you know times are bad when the Tooth-fairy needs cash...
←Rate | 10-24-2011 14:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dracula + Tinkerbell = Edward Cullen. He is not a VAMPIRE. He doesn't feed on PEOPLE, he lives in the forest, and he sparkles. He is CLEARLY a Fairy.
←Rate | 11-08-2011 01:12 by Ninja Comments (0)  

   messageicon Today, I learned if you dream you're having a piss, you most likely are having a piss.
←Rate | 11-10-2011 20:25 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you ever feel unconfident in your body, just remember that pornhub wouldn't keep their fat girl category if guys didn't like it and it wasn't making them money.
←Rate | 02-04-2014 00:40 by StonerDudee Comments (0)  

   messageicon My Facebook movie is okay, but the book was better.
←Rate | 02-05-2014 00:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside
←Rate | 02-14-2014 05:02 by Huck Comments (0)  

   messageicon A genius would have put Kevin Bacon in Grease.
←Rate | 06-16-2014 13:51 by Czovczov Comments (0)  

Submit your own funny facebook status message here:
Status Message:

... characters left