Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Status message updates and sayings for your Facebook, Twitter, or profile.

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   messageicon Why do we always have to lose an hour on the weekend to make it shorter? Why cant Spring forward happen on a Friday afternoon so we can leave work earlier for happy hour?
←Rate | 03-15-2010 06:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
←Rate | 03-26-2010 10:07 Comments (2)  

   messageicon I could watch a Shake Weight ad for hours... Cheapest entertainment ever. I swear to God the guy who invented that wakes up laughing. I mean really? Its a dildo attached to two paperweights.
←Rate | 06-25-2010 22:27 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wear an eye patch when I download music illegally.
←Rate | 07-13-2010 18:10 by Joser Comments (1)  

   messageicon when I smash a bug on the wall or ceiling I like to keep it there as a warning to the others..
←Rate | 08-23-2010 07:30 by Yaj Comments (0)  

   messageicon Life was much simpler when we could play a friendly game of Red Rover and just clothesline the people we didn't like.
←Rate | 06-13-2012 22:04 by StonerDudee Comments (0)  

   messageicon During the stone age, long before Facebook, man was already experiencing the desire to express on a wall what he had eaten.
←Rate | 06-18-2012 20:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It would be funny to make your facebook status "OMG IT ACTUALLY WORKS" and then 5 minutes later make another facebook status that says "Well, I'm gonna test out this time machine",
←Rate | 11-05-2011 17:46 by g0re Comments (0)  

   messageicon You can learn a lot about a woman from the top dresser drawer beside her bed....
←Rate | 11-07-2011 12:43 by bryan j brown Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wonder if the person who invented trail mix actually discovered it when they were cleaning out their car and moved their kids' car seats.
←Rate | 11-18-2011 22:04 by greg2missy Comments (0)  

   messageicon From now on every time I see a "for lease" sign, I will put a "navidad" sign under it
←Rate | 11-30-2011 23:31 by David Comments (0)  

   messageicon RANDOM FACT: Having eye contact for more than 6 seconds without looking away or blinking reveals a desire for either sex or murder.
←Rate | 03-12-2012 14:41 by Kisstopher Comments (0)  

   messageicon Every meal I didn't have to cook myself,, is the best meal I've ever had.
←Rate | 03-22-2012 20:35 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon The best part of being single is that you always get to be right.
←Rate | 04-04-2012 21:24 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you didn't make one corner of an old metal swing set pop up in the backyard, you sucked growing up!
←Rate | 04-11-2012 09:58 by Goodeolboy Comments (0)  

   messageicon How in the hell do people spell your name wrong on facebook when it's right in front of them?!
←Rate | 04-14-2012 14:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sea levels aren't rising due to global warming. They are rising due to the increase in obesity. The continents are actually sinking…
←Rate | 04-19-2012 21:07 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dear Lord; If my happiness bothers some people, please give them their own happiness so they wont bother hating on mine.
←Rate | 05-02-2012 14:26 by Kisstopher Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just backed into a Jaguar but I left him a note on my bank statement so he knows not to bother calling
←Rate | 05-23-2012 15:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I have never understood pink camouflage patterns... What background are you trying to blend with? An Elephant vagina?
←Rate | 02-02-2012 10:03 by Panna Comments (0)  

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