Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why do I have to bother pushing "one" for English? I'm still going to get someone who can't speak it.

   Happy Mushy-Card-Nasty-Candy-in-a-Heart-Shaped-Box-Big-Balloon-That-Barely-Fits-in-Your-Car-And-You-Can't-See-to-Back-Up-$75-Rose s-That-Can-be-Bought-Tomorrow-for-$20-but-Must-be-Sent-to-"Prove"-Your-Love-Stand-In-Line-for-Two-Hours-to-Eat Day. <HATE

   I hate when the cops throw me in the back of the squad car like they didn't hear me call shotgun.

   come on people driving is just like coloring, just stay inside the lines...

   If a genie ever gives me three wishes, goodbye Kardashians.

   I dress to kill.... and have been told I cook the same way!

   To every girl suffering from many friend request..............Put your real picture without makeup as your profile pic.

   How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murd.r for him? I can't even get two kids to brush their teeth.

   it is comforting to know the last person Osama Bin Laden saw on this Earth was an American

   When you're parents accuse you of lying to them, just look them in the eye and say; SANTA CLAUSE! EASTER BUNNY! TOOTH FAIRY!"

   Last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of LIberty.

   Maybe it's Maybelline... Maybe it's Photoshop.

   All you need is WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.

   Now that healthcare is guaranteed, I'm frying everything I eat.

   I stared at the moon for an hour before I realized it was a toenail clipping that had stuck to the window.

   I spent most of my childhood terrified that the rhythm was going to get me.

   Due to the Global Financial Crisis, Ke$ha will now be known as Ke¢ha.

   What did one ocean say to the other ocean?...Nothing they just waved...Do you SEA what I did there?...I'm SHORE you did, BEACH.

   I avoid eye contact with myself in the mirror. I know too much about me.

   I'm pretty sure if dogs could talk their most common phrase would be “Are you going to eat that?”