Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon whoever decides when breakfast is over at McDonald's, F*CK YOU.
←Rate | 09-22-2010 04:43 by badd status Comments (0)  

   messageicon everyone was clapping for me when I got off the plane...I bet those military guys behind me were jealous.
←Rate | 10-13-2010 22:20 by Tommy Chevelle Comments (0)  

   messageicon 100 calorie packs have just enough cookies to piss me off.
←Rate | 07-16-2010 18:01 by Joser Comments (0)  

   messageicon A man sitting in church writes a note to his wife: "I just let out a silent fart. What should I do?"...She writes back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
←Rate | 07-30-2010 14:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Can people just go for a bike ride without having to dress up like some Lance Armstrong clone?
←Rate | 04-07-2010 07:40 by Leeferd Comments (0)  

   messageicon For the person who picked on you in school, stole your boyfriend/girlfriend from you, spread lies and rumors about you, didn't help you in anyway possible....all of a sudden......wants to be your friend on Facebook.
←Rate | 05-18-2010 17:40 by Danmanz Comments (0)  

   messageicon The only good thing about having your mother as a FB friend is that no matter how bad your status update bombs in your attempt to be funny, you can always count on her to "like' it
←Rate | 12-20-2010 19:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon So many fun things to say.....too many relatives on Facebook to post!!
←Rate | 12-22-2010 15:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon now taking reservations for midnight kisses on Friday night. Sign up below.
←Rate | 12-27-2010 11:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I would have to disagree... I don't believe a witches tit is this cold....
←Rate | 12-28-2010 09:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "Sometimes the unicorn isn't a unicorn, it's just a donkey with a plunger on its face."
←Rate | 01-01-2011 15:00 by facebook/PrinceOfDiscord Comments (0)  

   messageicon You know the times where you're laying on your back looking at your phone by lifting it in the air but lose your grip and hit yourself in the face?
←Rate | 01-02-2011 23:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
←Rate | 01-25-2011 13:58 by abbybaby34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Lawsuit claims Taco Bell tacos only 35% real beef. I think I speak for all of us when I say wow that much?
←Rate | 01-26-2011 15:39 by Marshall the Great Comments (1)  

   messageicon I am addicted to Cold Turkey. Not sure how I will ever quit that one.
←Rate | 11-30-2010 09:51 by JC Comments (0)  

   messageicon Realizes that the trouble with jogging the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back.
←Rate | 12-08-2010 15:09 by Heather25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A human fart can be louder than a trombone. I discovered that at my daughter's school concert.
←Rate | 12-22-2014 10:17 by StonerDudee Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm not saying I can perform miracles or anything, but when the Taco Bell employee isn't looking,, I can turn water into Sprite.
←Rate | 01-20-2014 16:52 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon For f_€ k sakes! How about something funny instead of intra national hate dialog.
←Rate | 02-04-2014 06:52 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Don't judge a man by how low his pants hang below his ass...just kidding, that's a great reason to judge someone.
←Rate | 02-17-2014 07:58 Comments (0)  

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