Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I have reliable inside information about Apple's next product. I will not be able to afford it.
←Rate | 04-09-2012 02:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wanted to learn a second language and could not afford Rosetta Stone so I bought a Pitbull CD.
←Rate | 04-09-2012 22:15 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon milk expires tomorrow, guess who's having 3 bowls of cereal tonight!:D
←Rate | 04-14-2012 12:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I`m not ignoring your calls, I just love my ringtone
←Rate | 01-29-2012 14:09 by L Comments (0)  

   messageicon How many exercise/workout videos does a person have to buy before seeing results?
←Rate | 02-02-2012 07:07 by onecuwldood Comments (0)  

   messageicon Once, while camping, my Mother in Law stumbled upon two ferocious Black Bears.....the bears immediately played dead..... until she left
←Rate | 02-03-2012 20:24 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm so hungry I could eat something healthy.
←Rate | 02-19-2012 10:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Hardest question in a relationship, "What do you feel like eating?"
←Rate | 03-01-2012 16:27 by MikeD Comments (1)  

   messageicon The less you give a damn, the happier you will be.
←Rate | 03-04-2012 21:18 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon my oven doesn't need a self-cleaning mode; my *bathroom* needs a self-cleaning mode.
←Rate | 03-18-2011 11:00 by CS Comments (0)  

   messageicon Nothing makes me feel better about myself more than the stupidity of others.
←Rate | 04-02-2011 14:24 by ff1241 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I miss being young and innocent. Now I'm old and guilty...
←Rate | 08-12-2011 04:56 by J.B Comments (0)  

   messageicon Well, I guess these tequila shots aren't going to regret themselves
←Rate | 08-24-2011 15:56 by flinnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon Apple's new major social breakthrough - a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost between $499 - $799, depending on cup size and speakers. Nore more complaints about how he just stares at your chest and doesn't listen!
←Rate | 09-09-2011 05:22 by Fel Comments (0)  

   messageicon if you're the type of neighbor that likes to scream and yell till 3am, then I'll be the type of neighbor to mow at 6am!
←Rate | 07-02-2011 08:14 by flinnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon Seems those who wear Princess, Sexy, and MILF on a T-shirt...usually are NOT.
←Rate | 07-19-2011 10:00 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Dear Warner Bros: Now that I'm an adult, I feel I'm am old enough to hear what the "Beep Beep" is hiding when Road Runner talks to Wile E. Coyote.
←Rate | 07-20-2011 10:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon : Please do not take my kindness for weakness. Because I will not be afraid to knock you the hell out!
←Rate | 07-23-2011 00:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you're gonna order a salad with ham, raisins, peanuts, croutons & extra ranch, just order a freaking sandwich.
←Rate | 07-26-2011 23:29 by derfmeister Comments (0)  

   messageicon Beautiful people and ugly people basically look the same by 80. So hang in there ugly people!
←Rate | 07-27-2011 09:42 Comments (0)  

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