Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I really should learn to say "congratulations" instead of "are you keeping it?"
←Rate | 01-17-2012 09:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Nothing says success like waking up at 6:00 pm.
←Rate | 01-21-2012 16:25 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you want to know anything, come over to my wife apparently knows everything.
←Rate | 01-24-2012 09:25 by Jerry Carter Comments (0)  

   messageicon Awww.... It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
←Rate | 04-24-2012 01:01 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon Okay everyone hold.... HOLD... we will slide down and all attack at once!" - Ice cubes in the bottom of a cup.
←Rate | 04-23-2012 21:16 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon Adele might set fire to rain... But SpongeBob can make a campfire under water.
←Rate | 05-01-2012 08:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Whenever I get a friend request Facebook should allow me free access to their wall and pics regardless of privacy settings so I can see who I'm dealing with. Some of you are so creepy your profile pic might as well be a white panel van.
←Rate | 05-23-2012 15:50 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon Oh, you're engaged and in high school? I'm sure your marriage will last forever.
←Rate | 05-26-2012 23:17 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon If at the end of the day you have the same number of kids you started out with that morning, then you've done your job as a parent.
←Rate | 06-12-2012 14:37 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If only the Olympics had an event that involved falling down and not spilling your drink...
←Rate | 06-15-2012 23:03 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Please be patient! Even a toilet can only handle one A$$hole at a time!!!
←Rate | 06-25-2012 05:44 by Abraham Lincoln Comments (0)  

   messageicon Hey,,, guy that puts the stickers on tomatoes,,,,,, NOBODY likes you.
←Rate | 06-30-2012 08:14 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon As far as I can tell, the only thing ghosts do is set up obstacle courses when I have to get up in the middle of the night to pee
←Rate | 07-07-2012 10:33 by flinnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon My doctor told me to start killing people. Well, not in those exact words. He said I had to reduce the stress in my life. Same thing!
←Rate | 07-12-2012 15:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I used to think you took my breath away. Then I realized I was just suffocated by your bulls!ht...
←Rate | 11-18-2011 13:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon People who try to get on camera in live news report backgrounds clearly haven't been punched enough in their lifetime.
←Rate | 12-20-2011 06:35 by flinnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon When you're driving illegally, suddenly every car is an undercover cop.
←Rate | 10-15-2011 18:57 by g0re Comments (0)  

   messageicon You call it lazy, But I call it selective participation.
←Rate | 10-20-2011 10:07 by SuthernFukr Comments (0)  

   messageicon just once i'd like to see a Price Is Right contestant who is confident enough to make their own decisions
←Rate | 10-23-2011 14:32 by @OMG_Its_Matt Comments (0)  

   messageicon In a perfect world, we would get paid by the amount of hours we sleep; and a bonus check for every time we have sex.
←Rate | 10-24-2011 21:03 by @dj_soltrix Comments (0)  

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