Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Status message updates and sayings for your Facebook, Twitter, or profile.

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   messageicon I think all women who say, "All men are Jerks" mean to say, "All the men I chose to date are jerks" or put simply, "I am attracted to jerks"
←Rate | 05-17-2011 13:07 by KISSTOPHER Comments (0)  

   messageicon When Facebook starts showing how many times you viewed somebody\'s profile, were all damn screwed.
←Rate | 05-19-2011 22:41 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon that a friend in need is a friend indeed, but a 'friend' that is ALWAYS in need is getting on my nerves.
←Rate | 03-06-2011 18:01 by Elbow Comments (0)  

   messageicon The reason Rump Roast is called Rump Roast because nobody would eat it if it was called Cow Ass
←Rate | 07-04-2011 19:52 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Life gets a lot easier once you decide to become part of the problem.
←Rate | 08-02-2011 21:39 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon I failed my driver's test. The guy asked me "what do you do at a red light?" I said, I don't know… look around, listen to the radio
←Rate | 08-06-2011 03:24 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you promise not to get emotionally attached, you can kiss my ass.
←Rate | 08-16-2011 17:44 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don't care who the hell you are, you fall, I will laugh.
←Rate | 08-17-2011 08:18 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why is it that I have to take medication to stop myself from slapping people who need to take medication?
←Rate | 08-17-2011 23:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dear Fruity Pebbles: Calorie content w/out milk is unnecessary. Anyone shoving dry Fruity Pebbles down their throat isn’t counting calories
←Rate | 06-18-2014 16:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Billion dollar idea. A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell "I'm just cooking!"
←Rate | 05-22-2015 05:12 by andrew jackson Comments (2)  

   messageicon If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around,,, Will the entire tree still be used to print a single CVS receipt?
←Rate | 04-03-2014 19:00 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don't think you're supposed call people that any more."
←Rate | 09-12-2013 11:08 by SEAN Comments (0)  

   messageicon Spread your lies elsewhere, turkey bacon.
←Rate | 09-16-2013 14:45 by Czovczov Comments (0)  

   messageicon Top Gun was so unrealistic,,, Everyone knows Tom Cruise can't reach the clutch on a motorcycle.
←Rate | 11-18-2013 07:56 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dear girl in Walmart, Yes it is summer but your shirt and shorts are way too small and you look like a half opened can of biscuits. Sincerely, The guy in line behind you clawing out his eyeballs..
←Rate | 04-13-2013 07:04 by Michael askins Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's sad to think that the world we live in will never be a peaceful place
←Rate | 04-15-2013 16:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon How the hell do hundreds of male Smurfs live with only ONE female smurf? It's no wonder they're BLUE!
←Rate | 05-06-2013 10:41 by Tommy Chevelle Comments (1)  

   messageicon According to the BMI chart I am too short.
←Rate | 06-03-2013 13:36 Comments (3)  

   messageicon Why are all the women in my office walking funny today?
←Rate | 02-15-2013 07:45 by Michael Comments (1)  

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