Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Top Gun was so unrealistic,,, Everyone knows Tom Cruise can't reach the clutch on a motorcycle.
←Rate | 11-18-2013 07:56 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon I think we should line up all the presidential candidates and see which one a dog doesn't bark at. That person should become president.
←Rate | 01-26-2016 13:49 by Nipper Comments (3)  

   messageicon I love how music can take you to another place. For example One Direction is playing in this cafe so now i'm going to a different cafe.
←Rate | 08-12-2015 07:17 by @1_Jack_Jacko Comments (0)  

   messageicon a straight white male walks into a bar. He is chastised because every problem in the world is his fault.
←Rate | 08-13-2015 15:06 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Judging by how many people brazenly wander into traffic while staring at their phone, there must be some force-field app I don't know about.
←Rate | 12-17-2012 06:31 by flinnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon The girls that say that all guys want is sex, are usually the ones who have only that to offer.
←Rate | 12-17-2012 15:15 by Jackoo Comments (0)  

   messageicon I can't wait to tell my grandchildren how many times I survived the end of the world!
←Rate | 12-19-2012 16:29 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Kim and Kanye's baby will probably be delivered by C-Section to avoid getting Chlamydia on the way out...
←Rate | 12-31-2012 12:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dont worry people, you can still wear your LiveStrong braclets. Just cross out the V.
←Rate | 01-18-2013 17:28 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ladies... If you want guys at the bar to leave you alone don't tell them you have a boyfriend cause men don't care about that. Tell them you have a þénís.
←Rate | 01-20-2013 12:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You know, Microsoft, if you had called it Bang instead of Bing, you'd have destroyed Google. Example: I just Banged Catherine Zeta Jones.
←Rate | 01-24-2013 13:51 by Kisstopher Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dear girl in Walmart, Yes it is summer but your shirt and shorts are way too small and you look like a half opened can of biscuits. Sincerely, The guy in line behind you clawing out his eyeballs..
←Rate | 04-13-2013 07:04 by Michael askins Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's sad to think that the world we live in will never be a peaceful place
←Rate | 04-15-2013 16:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just can't stop thinking of all the people who signed my yearbooks that I have let down by failing to "stay cool"
←Rate | 04-16-2013 06:22 by flinnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon According to the BMI chart I am too short.
←Rate | 06-03-2013 13:36 Comments (3)  

   messageicon might invent a new beer, call it "Occasionally". When people ask if I drink, I can say 'I drink Occasionally' this way they won't think i'm an alcoholic.
←Rate | 08-24-2012 19:20 by Caperdude89 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Today I had to ask myself "What would Jesus do?" because he just got deported and I have no idea how to cut my own lawn.
←Rate | 06-26-2013 15:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon There's a bald spot in my yard so I'm gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
←Rate | 07-07-2013 23:44 by StonerDudee Comments (0)  

   messageicon Yes,,, The bathrooms by the pool are a nice touch but completely unnecessary.
←Rate | 08-23-2013 08:00 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why are all the women in my office walking funny today?
←Rate | 02-15-2013 07:45 by Michael Comments (1)  

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