Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Realizes that the trouble with jogging the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back.
←Rate | 12-08-2010 15:09 by Heather25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm sorry I'm late. I saw a drawing of the sun wearing sunglasses and spent 4 hours wondering what the f**k he was protecting his eyes from.
←Rate | 03-05-2013 13:52 by @iTechnoBoy Comments (0)  

   messageicon just unfollowed Taylor Swift on Twitter. Expecting a song within the hour
←Rate | 12-22-2012 01:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I've never met a group of people more worried about their "privacy" than the people on Facebook that share EVERYTHING about themselves.
←Rate | 01-18-2013 07:50 by Huck Comments (0)  

   messageicon You know we're in a recession when they start making game shows where the winner gets a job.
←Rate | 02-05-2013 08:40 by Kisstopher Comments (0)  

   messageicon Justin Bieber vomited on stage in the middle of a performance. That concludes it then... she's pregnant.
←Rate | 10-01-2012 09:28 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Wanna see new features on your TV that you never knew existed? Let a baby play with the remote for about 12 seconds.
←Rate | 10-15-2012 07:56 by SEAN Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don't care how old you are, the only safe way to guarantee the monster under the bed doesn't grab you is to use the run and jump method.
←Rate | 11-08-2012 11:38 by MWC Comments (0)  

   messageicon After filling up my gas tank this morning before work, I realized that I didn't want to eat for the rest of the week anyway.
←Rate | 11-19-2012 23:56 by StonerDudee Comments (0)  

   messageicon Time to buy a new car, a bigger TV, a better cell phone and a faster laptop so I’ll finally be happy! (Repeat over and over until you die)
←Rate | 04-26-2013 21:29 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon Now working on my 2nd million. I gave up on the first.
←Rate | 04-30-2013 14:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don't know what's longer: a microwave minute or a treadmill minute...
←Rate | 05-01-2013 15:40 by JEBI Comments (0)  

   messageicon Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other stuff wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
←Rate | 05-31-2013 21:16 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why is Victoria Beckham not in a commercial for 'Old Spice'?
←Rate | 06-06-2013 12:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The reason why women will never be the ones to propose is because as soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants
←Rate | 07-10-2013 12:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you are one of those people on Facebook that does the little "Questions about people?" apps... Before you post one on my wall... Do me a BIG favor... Look in the mirror and hit yourself in the head with a hammer one time for me... Thanks!!! /:)
←Rate | 06-13-2011 13:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Convincing a dog that I really threw the ball is the closest I'll ever get to being a magician.
←Rate | 06-25-2011 12:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm not saying she was stupid, but I asked her how to spell Mississippi and she said 'the river or the state?'
←Rate | 07-20-2011 15:11 by punkie Comments (0)  

   messageicon Note to U.S. Politicians: You can't borrow yourself out of debt, no one can. It's like you're trying to drink yourself sober.
←Rate | 07-30-2011 14:35 by Greg Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sometimes I fake dumbness just to see how far people will go with their lies.
←Rate | 08-02-2011 02:35 by KISSTOPHER Comments (0)  

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