Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Status message updates and sayings for your Facebook, Twitter, or Whatsapp profile.

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Page: 292 of 5288

   messageicon Yes,,, The bathrooms by the pool are a nice touch but completely unnecessary.
←Rate | 08-23-2013 08:00 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why are all the women in my office walking funny today?
←Rate | 02-15-2013 07:45 by Michael Comments (1)  

   messageicon Let's have a round of applause for the heroes that they think they can save all the cancer-ridden children by liking and sharing those Facebook statuses.
←Rate | 02-23-2013 10:59 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wish my nipples were half as sensitive as my FB friends.
←Rate | 02-27-2013 22:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why are there never any good side effects. Just once, I'd like to read a medication bottle that says "May Cause Multiple Orgasms"
←Rate | 02-28-2013 00:23 by COMEDY HERE Comments (1)  

   messageicon PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel. OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel. REALIST: A train. TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
←Rate | 03-09-2013 08:41 by Huck Comments (0)  

   messageicon My dentist said that bacon and soda works the same as toothpaste. Friends have said she prolly meant baking soda....but I disagree. :)
←Rate | 09-06-2012 18:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dear middle finger, Thank you for sticking up for me..
←Rate | 09-20-2012 15:12 by Gee Comments (0)  

   messageicon You know you're lazy when you get excited about cancelled plans
←Rate | 10-01-2012 22:36 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon might invent a new beer, call it "Occasionally". When people ask if I drink, I can say 'I drink Occasionally' this way they won't think i'm an alcoholic.
←Rate | 08-24-2012 19:20 by Caperdude89 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Here is the list of foreign countries helping the United States with Hurricane relief:
←Rate | 11-04-2012 21:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My ex and I were together for 7 years. Evidently I broke a mirror.
←Rate | 04-12-2011 20:35 by Gman Comments (0)  

   messageicon When people ask me if I'm working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they're hurting hard or hardly hurting.
←Rate | 04-16-2011 15:55 by Gman Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you don't go after it, you'll never have it. If you don't ask, the answer is always no. If you dont step forward, you'll always be in the same place.
←Rate | 04-19-2011 22:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My divorce judge told me I needed to supply my xwife with a vehicle, I just UPSD'd her a broom
←Rate | 04-20-2011 14:30 by SEAN Comments (0)  

   messageicon I didn't say your stupid just everything you like is
←Rate | 04-26-2011 15:43 by Mahdi H Comments (1)  

   messageicon Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: 1. The DNA all matches. 2. There are no dental records.
←Rate | 05-13-2011 00:46 by khoperoberts Comments (0)  

   messageicon Was once told by a farmer that thongs are like barb-wire fence. It protects the property without blocking a great view.
←Rate | 05-14-2011 20:52 Comments (0)  

   messageicon if you don't like someone on facebook, there's this awesome block button. it saves a lot of drama.
←Rate | 05-15-2011 22:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I think all women who say, "All men are Jerks" mean to say, "All the men I chose to date are jerks" or put simply, "I am attracted to jerks"
←Rate | 05-17-2011 13:07 by KISSTOPHER Comments (0)  

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