Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Status message updates and sayings for your Facebook, Twitter, or profile.

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Page: 292 of 5255

   messageicon When is Oreo going to start selling just the filling?
←Rate | 02-28-2012 15:37 Comments (1)  

   messageicon It would be funny to make your facebook status "OMG IT ACTUALLY WORKS" and then 5 minutes later make another facebook status that says "Well, I'm gonna test out this time machine",
←Rate | 11-05-2011 17:46 by g0re Comments (0)  

   messageicon You can learn a lot about a woman from the top dresser drawer beside her bed....
←Rate | 11-07-2011 12:43 by bryan j brown Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sea levels aren't rising due to global warming. They are rising due to the increase in obesity. The continents are actually sinking…
←Rate | 04-19-2012 21:07 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dear Lord; If my happiness bothers some people, please give them their own happiness so they wont bother hating on mine.
←Rate | 05-02-2012 14:26 by Kisstopher Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just backed into a Jaguar but I left him a note on my bank statement so he knows not to bother calling
←Rate | 05-23-2012 15:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wonder if the person who invented trail mix actually discovered it when they were cleaning out their car and moved their kids' car seats.
←Rate | 11-18-2011 22:04 by greg2missy Comments (0)  

   messageicon From now on every time I see a "for lease" sign, I will put a "navidad" sign under it
←Rate | 11-30-2011 23:31 by David Comments (0)  

   messageicon RANDOM FACT: Having eye contact for more than 6 seconds without looking away or blinking reveals a desire for either sex or murder.
←Rate | 03-12-2012 14:41 by Kisstopher Comments (0)  

   messageicon Every meal I didn't have to cook myself,, is the best meal I've ever had.
←Rate | 03-22-2012 20:35 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon The best part of being single is that you always get to be right.
←Rate | 04-04-2012 21:24 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you didn't make one corner of an old metal swing set pop up in the backyard, you sucked growing up!
←Rate | 04-11-2012 09:58 by Goodeolboy Comments (0)  

   messageicon How in the hell do people spell your name wrong on facebook when it's right in front of them?!
←Rate | 04-14-2012 14:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The reason Rump Roast is called Rump Roast because nobody would eat it if it was called Cow Ass
←Rate | 07-04-2011 19:52 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Life gets a lot easier once you decide to become part of the problem.
←Rate | 08-02-2011 21:39 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon that a friend in need is a friend indeed, but a 'friend' that is ALWAYS in need is getting on my nerves.
←Rate | 03-06-2011 18:01 by Elbow Comments (0)  

   messageicon I think American Idol could make it a little more interesting by adding a trap door.
←Rate | 01-27-2011 21:23 by Scott Comments (0)  

   messageicon Do you want people to accept you as you are? Or do you want them to like you?
←Rate | 01-28-2011 14:26 by Will Comments (0)  

   messageicon Taco Party outside Bill's office Right now!
←Rate | 02-02-2011 15:41 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Dear Employer, I have worked insane amounts of hours for you; shed blood; even went through a divorce because of you. Is it too much to ask for some decent toilet paper up in here?
←Rate | 02-03-2011 00:08 by Goodeolboy Comments (0)  

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