Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon gas prices are so high in California I saw 12 Mexicans on one skateboard…
←Rate | 10-05-2012 18:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Constantly losing socks in the laundry but finding change. So logically there has to be a sock fairy.
←Rate | 08-12-2013 08:09 by flinnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dating these days must be so hard, because how do you know somebody loves you if they don’t make you a mix tape?
←Rate | 09-04-2013 11:18 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  

   messageicon Fun Fact: Vanilla Ice's original album To the Extreme has sold more copies than every Justin Bieber album combined. Word to yo mutha.
←Rate | 09-10-2013 12:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon children shopping for cereal are like men shopping for lingerie; they don't care which kind they get as long as they get the prize inside!!
←Rate | 08-25-2010 02:28 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just once I'd like to see someone in a movie call bullsh*t when someone tells them their phone number starts with 555.
←Rate | 08-25-2010 12:33 Comments (4)  

   messageicon During a job interview, when I get asked what my weaknesses are, I always want to say "Beautiful blondes and whiskey."
←Rate | 09-08-2010 10:21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Love is just a word until someone comes along and gives it meaning.
←Rate | 09-12-2010 18:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon There is nothing friendlier than a wet dog.
←Rate | 09-20-2010 22:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You can't get on your feet until you get off your ass.
←Rate | 09-21-2010 09:34 by JC Comments (1)  

   messageicon My whipped ice dairy drink brings the attention of many males to my place of residence and they declare its quality far surpasses yours. Absolutely, it far surpasses yours. I could convey to you the recipe but I would have to demand compensation
←Rate | 10-09-2010 03:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When the world gives you lemons, make orange juice. Then sit back and watch the world wonder how you did it.
←Rate | 10-13-2010 12:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Work like you don't have proof of citizenship, Love like you were on a reality TV show, and dance like you were being thrown 100 dollar bills at
←Rate | 04-22-2010 17:37 by Joser Comments (0)  

   messageicon thinks that it is insane that I need a background check to adopt a puppy but any moron can have a baby...
←Rate | 04-28-2010 22:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon mixd whiskey with water and got drunk... mixed brandy with water and got drunk... I mixed scotch with water and got drunk again... therefore I've reached the conclusion that water is bad for me...
←Rate | 04-30-2010 01:23 by Joser Comments (0)  

   messageicon has the brains of a horse and is hung like Einstein.
←Rate | 04-30-2010 13:10 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sometimes I read Facebook status updates and I can't understand them. Then I say to hell with it and read some that aren't mine.
←Rate | 06-12-2010 08:22 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon.
←Rate | 06-13-2010 08:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Got a flannel sweater for the 9th year in a row. Thanks mom! Can't wait to see what I get next year.
←Rate | 12-24-2010 21:57 by Will Comments (0)  

   messageicon Crying doesn't indicate that you're weak. Since birth, it has been a sign that you're alive.
←Rate | 12-28-2010 17:51 Comments (2)  

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