Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Status message updates and sayings for your Facebook, Twitter, or Whatsapp profile.

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   messageicon 100 calorie packs have just enough cookies to piss me off.
←Rate | 07-16-2010 18:01 by Joser Comments (0)  

   messageicon A man sitting in church writes a note to his wife: "I just let out a silent fart. What should I do?"...She writes back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
←Rate | 07-30-2010 14:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I am addicted to Cold Turkey. Not sure how I will ever quit that one.
←Rate | 11-30-2010 09:51 by JC Comments (0)  

   messageicon Realizes that the trouble with jogging the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back.
←Rate | 12-08-2010 15:09 by Heather25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's not the size of the ship nor the motion in the's whether the Captain can stay in port long enough for all the passengers to get off..
←Rate | 06-21-2012 22:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "The Force" is weird. How come a Jedi can detect a planet being destroyed light years away but can't tell he is kissing his own sister?
←Rate | 11-21-2011 09:12 by SuthernFukr Comments (0)  

   messageicon The best thing about partaking in the secret santa at work means I can finally give one special lady the mustache trimmer she so desperately needs.
←Rate | 11-25-2011 16:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Hey,,Just started reading "The Chubby Checker Story". No spoilers please,,,,,,, apparently there's a twist.
←Rate | 11-29-2011 16:29 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon Still confused why we use soap and water to remove food from our hands, but just dry paper to remove sh!t from our a$$holes
←Rate | 12-02-2011 15:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The best way to end an argument is to let your opponent scream out a statement and reply by throwing up your hands and saying, "That's exactly what I've been trying to tell you!" and then walking away.
←Rate | 11-12-2011 20:27 by g0re Comments (0)  

   messageicon As the dog sat watching the orchestra, he stared at the conductor and thought... "Just throw the d@mn thing."
←Rate | 01-10-2012 21:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I hate when people come to MY house, knock on MY door, and then give me the "why aren't you wearing pants" look.
←Rate | 01-11-2012 23:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I hate it when I wake up from drinking and I have "I love c0ck" written on my forehead. Especially when I've been drinking at home alone.
←Rate | 01-12-2012 14:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Humans are the only creatures on earth that will cut down trees, make paper, then write “SAVE TREES” on them.
←Rate | 01-31-2012 23:32 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon I hate it when strangers say silly things like, "I don't bite" Yeah, because the first thing I think when I meet someone is "OMG! This b!tch is gonna bite me!"
←Rate | 02-25-2012 10:14 by Baddie Comments (0)  

   messageicon My wife said, "You always blame everyone else when things go wrong" I said.."And whose fault is that?"
←Rate | 02-28-2012 13:13 by Canadian25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon GIRLS - before you go on accusing your man of having a small d!ck, you should check and make sure your vagina is NOT just too large.
←Rate | 12-07-2011 13:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon 1) Type in google "50 Most Popular Women" 2) Find something with 3) Click on it 4) Look Who has "Nr. 7" position 5) Have a nice laugh)))
←Rate | 01-12-2011 02:06 Comments (10)  

   messageicon Why is the jeopardy theme song stuck in my head? its giving me a false sense of anxiety...
←Rate | 03-17-2010 11:50 by Samir Momin Comments (0)  

   messageicon it just me or does orange juice taste funny without vodka?
←Rate | 04-19-2010 22:06 by Joser Comments (0)  

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