Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon You are 15 years old you should feel butterflies in your stomach not a baby kicking
←Rate | 07-11-2012 11:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Everybody deserves second chances, but not for the same mistakes.
←Rate | 11-14-2011 18:52 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon Nobody in this world can be as patient as Ted Mosby's children.
←Rate | 11-15-2011 02:14 by dhruvkapoor7 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I need to do laundry so bad I'm actually wearing Christmas stockings
←Rate | 04-21-2012 05:41 by flinnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon My girlfreind says I'm an idiot who can't do anything right. So I packed her bags and left.
←Rate | 04-27-2012 22:46 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm at the doctor's office & they don't know why I have this rash on my balls. Guess I'll wait for the Doctor, these other patients are clueless.
←Rate | 05-06-2012 16:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I was standing in front of the mirror eariler, admiring my six pack for hours. But it got really warm so I put it back in the fridge. :(
←Rate | 12-31-2011 17:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I've been told by several women that I'm a great listener. A majority of whom, have huge boobs.
←Rate | 01-04-2012 13:47 by Czovczov Comments (0)  

   messageicon I have 2 missed calls from my mother. I think it's safe to say that by now there's a rescue team out there looking for me.
←Rate | 01-21-2012 14:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Question: : What do you get if you add human DNA to a goat? ... Answer: Kicked out of the petting zoo
←Rate | 12-30-2013 17:28 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon My hobbies include trying to close the elevator door before someone else gets on.
←Rate | 02-12-2014 04:39 by flinnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon Instead of going to Starbucks, I make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.
←Rate | 01-07-2015 21:30 by darthdav Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ziploc's idea of how big a sandwich should be is very different than mine.
←Rate | 04-17-2015 07:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Whoppi threatening to leave the US if Trump is elected is like an endorsement for Trump
←Rate | 01-22-2016 14:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm old enough to remember when a selfie was some lotion and a box of Kleenex.
←Rate | 09-17-2014 01:49 by Baddie Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you have been in direct contact with Ebola patients, and refuse to go into quarantine, sick or not, you might be an asshole.
←Rate | 10-29-2014 23:19 by massena43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why the hell do we still use snow shovels when flame throwers are available?
←Rate | 10-23-2012 12:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You can tell yourself that Sesame Street is educational but Cookie Monster has lived there for like 40 years and still can't conjugate verbs.
←Rate | 08-23-2012 06:24 by Huck Comments (0)  

   messageicon "GOOD MORNING COFFEE"....Meet your maker!!!!
←Rate | 09-22-2012 09:19 by MWC Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why do actors think we care who the they are going to vote for. Make movies and shut up!
←Rate | 10-06-2012 10:31 by Czovczov Comments (0)  

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