Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Dear girl in Walmart, Yes it is summer but your shirt and shorts are way too small and you look like a half opened can of biscuits. Sincerely, The guy in line behind you clawing out his eyeballs..
←Rate | 04-13-2013 07:04 by Michael askins Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's sad to think that the world we live in will never be a peaceful place
←Rate | 04-15-2013 16:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just can't stop thinking of all the people who signed my yearbooks that I have let down by failing to "stay cool"
←Rate | 04-16-2013 06:22 by flinnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon According to the BMI chart I am too short.
←Rate | 06-03-2013 13:36 Comments (3)  

   messageicon might invent a new beer, call it "Occasionally". When people ask if I drink, I can say 'I drink Occasionally' this way they won't think i'm an alcoholic.
←Rate | 08-24-2012 19:20 by Caperdude89 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why are all the women in my office walking funny today?
←Rate | 02-15-2013 07:45 by Michael Comments (1)  

   messageicon Let's have a round of applause for the heroes that they think they can save all the cancer-ridden children by liking and sharing those Facebook statuses.
←Rate | 02-23-2013 10:59 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wish my nipples were half as sensitive as my FB friends.
←Rate | 02-27-2013 22:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why are there never any good side effects. Just once, I'd like to read a medication bottle that says "May Cause Multiple Orgasms"
←Rate | 02-28-2013 00:23 by COMEDY HERE Comments (1)  

   messageicon PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel. OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel. REALIST: A train. TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
←Rate | 03-09-2013 08:41 by Huck Comments (0)  

   messageicon My dentist said that bacon and soda works the same as toothpaste. Friends have said she prolly meant baking soda....but I disagree. :)
←Rate | 09-06-2012 18:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dear middle finger, Thank you for sticking up for me..
←Rate | 09-20-2012 15:12 by Gee Comments (0)  

   messageicon You know you're lazy when you get excited about cancelled plans
←Rate | 10-01-2012 22:36 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon Girls who are on the same menstrual cycle as their friends should basically be referred to as gang members... that's how dangerous they are.
←Rate | 05-31-2011 18:47 by @The69Sheriff Comments (0)  

   messageicon Today at school, they told me to write down what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down happy. They told me I didn't understand the assignment. I told them they didn't understand life.
←Rate | 01-08-2010 23:52 Comments (1)  

   messageicon I'm playing that game where the floor is made of lava, so I obviously can't get off the couch or I'll die.
←Rate | 10-03-2010 17:46 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ladies: if a man said he'll fix it, he will. There is no need to remind him every 6 months about it
←Rate | 08-16-2012 06:58 by Huck Comments (0)  

   messageicon When a woman asks you to guess her age, it's like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb
←Rate | 11-25-2012 15:38 by Jackoo Comments (0)  

   messageicon Someday, someone will walk into your life and make you realise why it never worked out with anyone else.
←Rate | 05-25-2011 09:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Admit it, we all feel much worse for the homeless guy's dog than we do for the homeless guy
←Rate | 09-02-2011 04:21 by flinnie Comments (0)  

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