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Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Status message updates and sayings for your Facebook, Twitter, or profile.
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   messageicon Once again Miley Cyrus tries to hijack another awards show by throwing her inexplicably huge pu$$y out there for all the world to see.
←Rate | 11-25-2013 09:49 by Jiffy Pop Comments (0)

   messageicon 99% of women say they don't like men who wear leather pants. Which works out perfectly, since 100% of men who wear leather pants don't like Women.
←Rate | 10-22-2009 22:10 by mikedft Comments (0)

   messageicon thinks the best part about his job is that his chair spins!
←Rate | 07-07-2009 06:44 Comments (0)

   messageicon 7% of all hearing loss is a result of sitting in a restaurant next to a table full of women who just received dessert.
←Rate | 11-13-2011 11:13 by Daheavy1 Comments (0)

   messageicon Really struggling on what to get my girlfriend for Valentines Day. I mean, I'd hate to get her the same thing as her Husband does. That would be embarassing.
←Rate | 02-13-2011 18:00 by Nunthewizr Comments (0)

   messageicon When I'm sad I just sing, and then I realize my voice is worse than my problems.
←Rate | 02-18-2011 08:42 by abbybaby34 Comments (0)

   messageicon The older I get, the more I come to realize that I just don't care what the hell others think.
←Rate | 04-21-2011 03:39 Comments (0)

   messageicon I think if your relationship status says, "It's complicated" that you should stop kidding yourself and change it to "Single" or petition for a new status called "I am bootycall."
←Rate | 03-02-2010 17:59 by bigedusw Comments (0)

   messageicon I will respect any religion you practice as long as you never knock on my door to tell me about it.
←Rate | 10-25-2010 14:13 by Marshall the Great Comments (6)

   messageicon If a telemarketer calls give the phone to your 3 yr old, and tell them its Santa Clause
←Rate | 11-22-2011 18:33 by Daheavy1 Comments (0)

   messageicon Why is it so hard to find an exercise bike with a nice little basket where I can put my nachos?
←Rate | 09-20-2011 13:13 Comments (0)

   messageicon I want a doorbell that makes the sound of someone knocking on the door.
←Rate | 09-26-2010 17:08 by Thrasher Comments (0)

   messageicon Did you know that "Dammit I'm Mad" spelled backwards is "Dammit I'm Mad?"
←Rate | 10-02-2010 15:09 by Marshall the Great Comments (3)

   messageicon My wife said to me, "I'm fed up with you being so lazy, pack your bags and leave." I said, "You pack them."
←Rate | 03-27-2010 09:49 by Y.P Comments (0)

   messageicon Saw a baby shirt that said, "Sh!t my pants, took a nap and sucked on some was your day?"
←Rate | 12-12-2011 20:21 by g0re Comments (0)

   messageicon How come rappers always brag about being criminals and committing crimes, but then whine like little babies when people illegally download their music. Dang hypocrites.
←Rate | 10-12-2011 19:46 by g0re Comments (0)

   messageicon YAWN so I can see if you're the one...
←Rate | 03-17-2010 13:43 by Samir Momin Comments (0)

   messageicon I want to start a women's magazine called "Period". And some months I'll send it out late just to freak out my subscribers.
←Rate | 03-31-2010 20:08 by Seddy90 Comments (0)

   messageicon What did the hurricane say 2 the coconut tree? Hold onto your nuts,this is no ordinary blow job...
←Rate | 04-14-2010 17:29 by Samir Momin Comments (7)

   messageicon While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart
←Rate | 08-19-2009 23:43 by Mike Comments (0)

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