Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Status message updates and sayings for your Facebook, Twitter, or Whatsapp profile.

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   messageicon When I hear someone say they hear voices in their head, I wonder if they're just thinking for the first time.
←Rate | 07-28-2011 10:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Do you think having a fifth of Jack means something different to a cannibal?
←Rate | 07-31-2011 10:47 by Paul Comments (0)  

   messageicon Seriously, it's 2011, can we please get some waterproof phones? I would like to text in the shower.
←Rate | 07-31-2011 16:38 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Q. What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? A. We better get some support or people will think we're nuts.
←Rate | 04-24-2011 17:39 by Bonnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon i bet Bin Laden regrets allowing his iPhone app to 'use current location'...
←Rate | 05-02-2011 01:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon People who still call radio stations to request songs are the same people who still updates their MySpace profiles
←Rate | 05-09-2011 10:51 by @iTechnoBoy Comments (0)  

   messageicon The porn industry needs to realize that a 42 year old woman in pigtails and knee high socks isn't "Barely Legal".
←Rate | 03-05-2012 20:55 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Scientists plan to clone a woolly mammoth and bring the prehistoric creature back to life. I sure don't see what could go wrong there.
←Rate | 03-13-2012 12:55 by SuthernFukr Comments (0)  

   messageicon Lord Almighty, Adele...REALLY ?,, Just burn his house down & get on with your life already.
←Rate | 04-02-2012 07:49 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'll be damned if after the 5 longest minutes of my life, I'm going to "let cool in microwave for 1 minute".
←Rate | 04-08-2012 04:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon f you feel sad, remember: There are people out there right now buying last-minute Christmas presents for their cats.
←Rate | 12-22-2011 08:52 by flinnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm so gangsta that I change the channels holding the remote sideways.
←Rate | 10-17-2011 13:15 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon A tooth allegedly belonging to John Lennon is being put up for auction… you know times are bad when the Tooth-fairy needs cash...
←Rate | 10-24-2011 14:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dracula + Tinkerbell = Edward Cullen. He is not a VAMPIRE. He doesn't feed on PEOPLE, he lives in the forest, and he sparkles. He is CLEARLY a Fairy.
←Rate | 11-08-2011 01:12 by Ninja Comments (0)  

   messageicon Today, I learned if you dream you're having a piss, you most likely are having a piss.
←Rate | 11-10-2011 20:25 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon Turn a man down for sex, he gets over it. Turn a woman down? Oh. My. God.
←Rate | 06-14-2012 14:39 Comments (2)  

   messageicon If I had a year to live, I would spend it with my ex... because it would be the longest year of my life.
←Rate | 06-15-2012 22:04 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon Yes, that's correct!.....And the Horse you rode in on!!
←Rate | 07-04-2012 15:28 by Abraham lincoln Comments (0)  

   messageicon I always learn from the mistake of others who take my advice
←Rate | 01-30-2012 13:04 by Tsparks Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ben Franklin started 1st Colonial Printing Press using Hemp paper. Not saying he smoked it. Lots of sober guys fly kites in Thunderstorms.
←Rate | 01-31-2012 12:37 by SuthernFukr Comments (0)  

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