Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Filling out my doctors info sheet, listed my twitter followers as my emergency contacts.
←Rate | 11-29-2011 09:51 by SuthernFukr Comments (0)  

   messageicon You know you are ugly when your profile pic is never you.
←Rate | 12-07-2011 13:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Lazy rule # 538: I would rather carry 10 overloaded plastic bags in each hand than taking 2 trips to bring my groceries in
←Rate | 12-17-2011 20:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Good things come to those who wait. Well.. except for the people on death row.
←Rate | 10-16-2011 14:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I am responsible for what I say. I am not responsible for what you understand!
←Rate | 10-19-2011 13:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Carlos Santana must be relieved that his look-alike Gadaffi is gone.
←Rate | 10-20-2011 12:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you are the "other person" in a relationship and eventually get together, you have no reason to be angry if they cheat on you later.
←Rate | 10-21-2011 02:50 by g0re Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I am on vacation I put in my Out of Office message to contact Batman with any problems, as I feel he is the only one qualified to replace me anyway.
←Rate | 10-21-2011 16:09 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon Damn, three raptures and I'm still here....I'm starting to think there must be something wrong with me.
←Rate | 10-22-2011 08:17 by K-Mac Comments (0)  

   messageicon The best part about the daylight savings tonight is that I get to hear last call called twice.
←Rate | 11-05-2011 17:10 by @cdowney84 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Don't you just want to write on some people's Facebook wall "you peaked in High School".?
←Rate | 11-10-2011 15:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm pretty sure my dying wish would be to stop dying.
←Rate | 05-05-2012 21:36 by K-Mac Comments (0)  

   messageicon Trying to decide what I hate more: 1. Mondays or 2. People who complain about how much they hate Mondays
←Rate | 05-09-2012 12:59 by flinnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon Men think about sex every seven seconds. The rest of the time is spent trying to come with a lie when a woman asks, "What are you thinking?"
←Rate | 05-11-2012 10:24 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon The distance between my being overwhelmed with happiness and wondering when it will all fall apart is precisely seventeen seconds.
←Rate | 05-19-2012 13:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I think people get married just to get 'Likes' on Facebook.
←Rate | 03-13-2012 14:52 by pettytarun Comments (0)  

   messageicon My wife and I like to play this little game where we both see something that needs to be put away, but we leave it out to see how long it takes the other one to do it. She doesn't seem to enjoy it as much as I do.
←Rate | 03-20-2012 14:21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A synonym is a word you use when you can't remember how to spell the other word.
←Rate | 03-20-2012 20:36 by migasjoe Comments (0)  

   messageicon I like to do nothing for people. Then when they say " Thanks for nothing", I say It was the least I could do.
←Rate | 03-26-2012 14:39 by Baddie Comments (0)  

   messageicon Had a mishap while making coffee just now that is best explained through interpretive dance...
←Rate | 03-31-2012 14:52 by snotty Comments (0)  

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