Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Status message updates and sayings for your Facebook, Twitter, or Whatsapp profile.

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   messageicon I'm not saying I can perform miracles or anything, but when the Taco Bell employee isn't looking,, I can turn water into Sprite.
←Rate | 01-20-2014 16:52 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon For f_€ k sakes! How about something funny instead of intra national hate dialog.
←Rate | 02-04-2014 06:52 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Don't judge a man by how low his pants hang below his ass...just kidding, that's a great reason to judge someone.
←Rate | 02-17-2014 07:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon 1) Type in google "50 Most Popular Women" 2) Find something with 3) Click on it 4) Look Who has "Nr. 7" position 5) Have a nice laugh)))
←Rate | 01-12-2011 02:06 Comments (10)  

   messageicon Why is the jeopardy theme song stuck in my head? its giving me a false sense of anxiety...
←Rate | 03-17-2010 11:50 by Samir Momin Comments (0)  

   messageicon it just me or does orange juice taste funny without vodka?
←Rate | 04-19-2010 22:06 by Joser Comments (0)  

   messageicon Nothing pisses me off more than going through a Drive-Thru with someone who says they don't want anything, then they start to eat your fries
←Rate | 12-21-2011 11:20 by fadolo Comments (0)  

   messageicon "What did he say?" "Who is she?" "What just happened?" (Repeat 30 times and you just watched a movie with my mom)
←Rate | 01-13-2012 06:08 by flinnie Comments (1)  

   messageicon My favorite outdoor activity is going back inside.
←Rate | 02-26-2012 07:33 by flinnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon Do you think you could drive better if I shoved that cell phone up your @ss? Talk or Drive... PICK ONE!!
←Rate | 10-26-2011 12:32 by Dani Comments (0)  

   messageicon BREAKING NEWS: Baby found in the middle of the Meteorite crash site,,, he is miraculously unharmed... Wrapped in what seems to be a red cape.
←Rate | 02-16-2013 06:37 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon Beyonce & Jay-Z are expecting a baby. Man, that kid is gonna have everything! Except a last name.
←Rate | 08-29-2011 18:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Remember when text messaging was passing a note back and forth in class?
←Rate | 04-26-2011 00:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Earlier today I passed a street sign that said "Dip". I have an idea, instead of putting in the time and money into the "Dip" sign, how about filling in the dip?? Just a thought. If the bridge went out, would they just put up a sign that said, "River"?
←Rate | 04-30-2011 20:38 by Hoytville Comments (1)  

   messageicon Do I still have to go to medical school if I just wanna be the guy who yells "WE'RE LOSING HIM!"?
←Rate | 06-01-2011 11:52 by Marshall the Great Comments (1)  

   messageicon That awkward moment when you're at a red light and you look at the person next to you and they're already looking at you
←Rate | 05-27-2011 13:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "Domino's Pizza is now made with real cheese"........ WTF were you using before!
←Rate | 01-30-2011 21:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Calling someone "stupid" is mean. Unless they actually are. Then it's just a diagnosis.
←Rate | 02-25-2011 11:00 by abbybaby34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If I ever go missing I want my picture on a 40 oz beer rather than a milk carton, because I want fun people to find me.
←Rate | 08-17-2011 18:04 by Keyboard Smasher 5000 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Drinks at the bar should be served in capri sun-like pouches, and if you can't get the straw in then they cut you off.
←Rate | 07-30-2011 14:27 by SuthernFukr Comments (0)  

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