Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Status message updates and sayings for your Facebook, Twitter, or Whatsapp profile.

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   messageicon Dear Lord; If my happiness bothers some people, please give them their own happiness so they wont bother hating on mine.
←Rate | 05-02-2012 14:26 by Kisstopher Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just backed into a Jaguar but I left him a note on my bank statement so he knows not to bother calling
←Rate | 05-23-2012 15:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon From now on every time I see a "for lease" sign, I will put a "navidad" sign under it
←Rate | 11-30-2011 23:31 by David Comments (0)  

   messageicon It would be funny to make your facebook status "OMG IT ACTUALLY WORKS" and then 5 minutes later make another facebook status that says "Well, I'm gonna test out this time machine",
←Rate | 11-05-2011 17:46 by g0re Comments (0)  

   messageicon You can learn a lot about a woman from the top dresser drawer beside her bed....
←Rate | 11-07-2011 12:43 by bryan j brown Comments (0)  

   messageicon The reason Rump Roast is called Rump Roast because nobody would eat it if it was called Cow Ass
←Rate | 07-04-2011 19:52 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Life gets a lot easier once you decide to become part of the problem.
←Rate | 08-02-2011 21:39 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon that a friend in need is a friend indeed, but a 'friend' that is ALWAYS in need is getting on my nerves.
←Rate | 03-06-2011 18:01 by Elbow Comments (0)  

   messageicon I think American Idol could make it a little more interesting by adding a trap door.
←Rate | 01-27-2011 21:23 by Scott Comments (0)  

   messageicon Do you want people to accept you as you are? Or do you want them to like you?
←Rate | 01-28-2011 14:26 by Will Comments (0)  

   messageicon Taco Party outside Bill's office Right now!
←Rate | 02-02-2011 15:41 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Dear Employer, I have worked insane amounts of hours for you; shed blood; even went through a divorce because of you. Is it too much to ask for some decent toilet paper up in here?
←Rate | 02-03-2011 00:08 by Goodeolboy Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sex is the price women pay for marriage,and marriage is the price men pay for sex
←Rate | 02-13-2011 23:10 by JeremyCakes Comments (0)  

   messageicon If it takes you more than an hour to answer a text message I will assume that you're dead.
←Rate | 02-25-2011 11:00 by abbybaby34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why doesn't Maury just do the show from backstage? All the women run back there when they find out that none of the 23 guys they tested are her baby daddy.
←Rate | 03-01-2011 16:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm waiting till the iPad 1,473 comes out because it will fly you to the moon while you surf the internet.
←Rate | 03-02-2011 21:24 by Abbybaby34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Thinking of opening a bar right next to a gym and call it "Decisions, Decisions".
←Rate | 09-13-2011 20:54 by Ed Status Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you have to question whether or not your behavior is acceptable - it's probably not.... and we should definitely hang out.
←Rate | 09-27-2011 14:07 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you promise not to get emotionally attached, you can kiss my ass.
←Rate | 08-16-2011 17:44 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don't care who the hell you are, you fall, I will laugh.
←Rate | 08-17-2011 08:18 Comments (0)  

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