Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Hope I never go to jail,, because I haven't memorized a phone number since 2003.
←Rate | 03-23-2013 22:17 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon why do strippers have fake names? you are showing me your asshole for a dollar why would I care that your real name is Sally
←Rate | 03-24-2013 10:44 Comments (2)  

   messageicon A friend of mine asked if I was coming to her wedding. I said no, I'll catch the next one. She's mad at me now.
←Rate | 03-28-2013 10:58 by DeeX Comments (0)  

   messageicon The easiest way to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.
←Rate | 04-02-2013 17:41 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon The best curve on a woman is her smile :) ...Hahahaha lmao! No I'm kidding, it's her boobs.
←Rate | 09-06-2012 13:53 by StonerDudee Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don't even know why chicks spend so much time and money on their hair when all guys look at is their tits.
←Rate | 09-17-2012 07:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Justin Bieber vomited on stage in the middle of a performance. That concludes it then... she's pregnant.
←Rate | 10-01-2012 09:28 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Wanna see new features on your TV that you never knew existed? Let a baby play with the remote for about 12 seconds.
←Rate | 10-15-2012 07:56 by SEAN Comments (0)  

   messageicon just unfollowed Taylor Swift on Twitter. Expecting a song within the hour
←Rate | 12-22-2012 01:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I've never met a group of people more worried about their "privacy" than the people on Facebook that share EVERYTHING about themselves.
←Rate | 01-18-2013 07:50 by Huck Comments (0)  

   messageicon You know we're in a recession when they start making game shows where the winner gets a job.
←Rate | 02-05-2013 08:40 by Kisstopher Comments (0)  

   messageicon Time to buy a new car, a bigger TV, a better cell phone and a faster laptop so I’ll finally be happy! (Repeat over and over until you die)
←Rate | 04-26-2013 21:29 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon Now working on my 2nd million. I gave up on the first.
←Rate | 04-30-2013 14:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don't know what's longer: a microwave minute or a treadmill minute...
←Rate | 05-01-2013 15:40 by JEBI Comments (0)  

   messageicon Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other stuff wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
←Rate | 05-31-2013 21:16 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why is Victoria Beckham not in a commercial for 'Old Spice'?
←Rate | 06-06-2013 12:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don't care how old you are, the only safe way to guarantee the monster under the bed doesn't grab you is to use the run and jump method.
←Rate | 11-08-2012 11:38 by MWC Comments (0)  

   messageicon After filling up my gas tank this morning before work, I realized that I didn't want to eat for the rest of the week anyway.
←Rate | 11-19-2012 23:56 by StonerDudee Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm sorry I'm late. I saw a drawing of the sun wearing sunglasses and spent 4 hours wondering what the f**k he was protecting his eyes from.
←Rate | 03-05-2013 13:52 by @iTechnoBoy Comments (0)  

   messageicon The reason why women will never be the ones to propose is because as soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants
←Rate | 07-10-2013 12:08 Comments (0)  

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