Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.

   Nothing says "I've already given up on this day" quite like a Taco Bell breakfast.

   A vegan friend on FB said if we had to kill our own food, we wouldn't eat meat... I think if he had to build his own computer he'd couldn't whine on FB.

   Turns out, pounding a wooden stake through a vampire's heart works even if the guy's not a vampire.

   I’m so old, I can remember going through a whole day without taking a picture of anything.

   Sometimes I spend whole meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.

   I think instead of doing laundry I'm just going to buy a second hamper...

   Just found out that being a "person of interest" is not as cool as it sounds.

   When you think all the way back to being sperm, we are all winners.

   I would take a bullet for u.. Not the head but like in the leg or something....

   I understand you got your swag on, but could you walk a lil faster...?

   Wow!!, What a day..I volunteered at a soup kitchen, mowed my lawn,, went to 2 Birthday parties,, ran 6 miles,, then told a BUNCH of lies on Facebook.

   I just balanced my checking account, and discovered that I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something or pay a bill.

   I Speak Fluent Sarcasm....

   I don't know about you, but a highlight of my childhood was talking into the fan to hear my robot voice.

   I love the idea of Canada and America sitting down for a bud and a labatts. While we're at it we should have some apple pie and some poutine. America and Canada are like two brothers. We may argue alot but in the end we're family. Hey america. you ROCK!

   Here's your social security card. It's paper & has to last you forever. Don't laminate it. Good luck! -The Government

   "Frosted Mini Wheats" are my absolute FAVORITE breakfast cereal made from scrap wicker furniture.

   Dear Life, Please, use a Lubricant.

   Once a month, women go completely crazy for about thirty days.