Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today, I found out my wife is pregnant. She hadn't even called me; I saw the news on my Facebook news feed.

   The public is jealous and takes pleasure in destroying good relationships. So what the public doesn't know exist, the public can't destroy. So lets keep our love a secret baby and let it live.

   women know if they want to have sex with a guy within the first five minutes of meeting. How long until they wanna cook?

   My life: Wake up, mess sh*t up, have fun, sleep, repeat.

   According to WebMC, I be illin'.

   After today's news, I am pretty sure the Clinton's kryptonite is Weiners.

   Nothing puts me into the #Christmas spirit like #shopping. On Dasher, On Dancer, On Prancer, On VISA.

   "Oh wow, it's a fruitcake! I'm going to eat it right now" said no one ever.

   2 out of 10 people at Starbuck's today said, "Thank you," when they were handed their coffee like basic human decency is so fuckin' hard.

   There are as many white rappers as there are black country singers and for the same reason .

   In hockey and in women.. periods temporarily stop the fun .

   I'm trying to keep a positive attitude but the only thing I'm positive about is that I have an attitude.

   Everyone is playing Pokemon again, Blink 182 has a #1 song, a Clinton is running for President, Tarzan is in theaters. Welcome to 2001.

   black lives matter on or off this week?

   On this date 10 years ago we lost my good friend and drinking buddy Roy. We found him 2 days later and continued drinking.

   Donald Trump probably doesn't even wanna be president cause then he'll have to move into a smaller house in a black neighborhood

   Budweiser has rebranded itself as simply "America" this summer because "Fermented Garbage Water" wraps too far around the can.

   Threatening Americans by saying there'll be "a taco truck on every corner" is like threatening The Kardashians' with more magazine covers.

   May the bridges I burn light the path in front of me...

   Scientists say the Earth is now reflecting too little light back into space. The biggest drop came in 1987 with the death of Liberace.