Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My life: Wake up, mess sh*t up, have fun, sleep, repeat.

   According to WebMC, I be illin'.

   United Airlines just received failing grade from the health department for having blood on its Chinese take out.

   A man knocked on my door yesterday asking for a small donation toward the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water and shut the door.

   My wife dragged me kicking and screaming to this play. Somebody please kill me. ~Abraham Lincoln

   I just listened to Usher "Let it Burn" and now I think I have Herpes

   I always felt like a boy trapped inside a woman’s body… then I was born.

   D: What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea ? P: I don't know. D: I never had a garbanzo bean on my face.

   "Shall I compare thee to a Summer's Eve? For thou art a Douche." -Rejected Shakespeare line.

   Some sheep can't see past the Shepherd ...

   Every time my wife and I have sex, I put a dollar in a envelope. With the money I save up, I use to buy her anniversay gift. This year she getting a Mar's bar.

   I can drive a woman wild with my tongue! I say..‘Have you put weight on?’

   I bet kangaroos get tired of holding all of their friend's keys and phones while they're at the beach?

   Overture, turn the lights! This is it. The night of nights. No more rehearsing and nursing a part. We know every part by heart! Overture, turn the lights! This is it. We'll hit the heights! And oh, what heights we'll hit! On with the show, this is it!

   I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

   If a fart can get through underwear and a pair of jeans how can a mask made of cloth protect you from Corona?

   $1.4Bil stimulus sent to people who have died when there are folks still waiting for their 1st check? who cashing em?

   I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth. Now I speak with a strange axe scent.

   A university's study of the human brain said the only difference between a wowan's brain and a man's brain is that the woman's brain is located in their head.

   Everyone is playing Pokemon again, Blink 182 has a #1 song, a Clinton is running for President, Tarzan is in theaters. Welcome to 2001.