Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Search Messages:
t's annoying that you have to sexually rub the wall while you search for the light switch in a dark room. 
wants to change my name on facebook to "no-one". then when I add someone it will say "no-one wants to be your friend".
I prefer to believe that Eleanor Rigby was really quite popular,, and that her funeral just happened to coincide with the "American Idol" finale.
Facebook needs a “Drama of the day” section in my news feed.
The silence between my status updates is the sound of my real life.
The only way I make women wet is by pushing them into the pool.
I'm a workaholic; I drink at work.
Thankfully restraining orders don't restrict freedom of thought!
I gave blood for the local blood drive today. Someone's blood alcohol level is going UP!
Today, I found out my wife is pregnant. She hadn't even called me; I saw the news on my Facebook news feed.
The public is jealous and takes pleasure in destroying good relationships. So what the public doesn't know exist, the public can't destroy. So lets keep our love a secret baby and let it live.
women know if they want to have sex with a guy within the first five minutes of meeting. How long until they wanna cook?
My life: Wake up, mess sh*t up, have fun, sleep, repeat.
According to WebMC, I be illin'.
Everyone is playing Pokemon again, Blink 182 has a #1 song, a Clinton is running for President, Tarzan is in theaters. Welcome to 2001.
black lives matter on or off this week?
On this date 10 years ago we lost my good friend and drinking buddy Roy. We found him 2 days later and continued drinking.
Donald Trump probably doesn't even wanna be president cause then he'll have to move into a smaller house in a black neighborhood
Budweiser has rebranded itself as simply "America" this summer because "Fermented Garbage Water" wraps too far around the can.
Threatening Americans by saying there'll be "a taco truck on every corner" is like threatening The Kardashians' with more magazine covers. 