Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If money's tight this holiday season, a handmade card or gift is a lovely way to say, "Here's a present you won't like."

   If at first you don't succeed, Google it, and see if someone else screwed it up the way you did.

   A woman never shot a man while he was doing dishes.

   People who say "think outside the box" should be forbidden from ever judging other people's creativity.

   Apparently Wayne Rooney has visited Fabrice Muamba in hospital. "It's great, he can almost string a sentence together" said Fabrice.....

   KIDS: If you have to look at your parents before you do something, that means you SHOULD NOT be doing it!

   Yeah okay. I wanna subscribe to your facebook modeling page. You and the 9,847,357 others who have no chance of advancing beyond this level.

   Loves falling asleep to Adult Swim , I end up having funny dreams.

   t's annoying that you have to sexually rub the wall while you search for the light switch in a dark room.

   wants to change my name on facebook to "no-one". then when I add someone it will say "no-one wants to be your friend".

   I prefer to believe that Eleanor Rigby was really quite popular,, and that her funeral just happened to coincide with the "American Idol" finale.

   Facebook needs a “Drama of the day” section in my news feed.

   The silence between my status updates is the sound of my real life.

   The only way I make women wet is by pushing them into the pool.

   I'm a workaholic; I drink at work.

   Thankfully restraining orders don't restrict freedom of thought!

   I gave blood for the local blood drive today. Someone's blood alcohol level is going UP!

   Today, I found out my wife is pregnant. She hadn't even called me; I saw the news on my Facebook news feed.

   The public is jealous and takes pleasure in destroying good relationships. So what the public doesn't know exist, the public can't destroy. So lets keep our love a secret baby and let it live.

   women know if they want to have sex with a guy within the first five minutes of meeting. How long until they wanna cook?