Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Does law enforcement ever look down at their utility belt and think, "I'm not batman, what the fuck am I doing with all this stuff?"

   Your bra is the biggest liar I know.

   if these damned Mayans are wrong, I'm gonna owe a lot money and will definitely have to return the Lamborghini!!

   This getting up at a time I don't want to get up and going to a place I don't want to be is really starting to feel like work.

   Tyler Swift should just accept that she is a total failure at relationships.

   If you watch Tarzan with your eyes closed, it's just Phil Collins singing in the jungle.

   sometimes I put hot sauce in the ketchup bottles at work

   I don't use a lot of hand sanitizer because I'm a germaphobe. I just like everyone to think that I'm hatching a dastardly plan ツ

   Despite the recent news, Tesco says that their beef burger sales remain stable.

   accidently took my wife's menopause medicine last night,.... woke up at 2:30 a.m with an irresistible urge to slap the crap outta myself and tell me to go to my Dog house ....so here I am....

   Top ten things men understand about women. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10.

   Please be patient… Beer isn't finished with me yet.

   A life?! Where can I download one of those?

   Just remember foks, when ya ask to borrow someone's phone....nobody takes the newspaper into the bathroom anymore!!

   Memo to New Orleans: You can't turn the Superdome into a sewer this time., emergency shelter will be at Tom Benson's house....

   All your depressing status es are cheering me up. Thanks, ...Keep it up.

   1. Does she change BFFs often? 2. Does each friendship end acrimoniously? 3. Is it never her fault? If yes to all, CONGRATS! She's a bitc h.

   Here, let me fix that grin on your face with this shovel.

   NYC cancelled the marathon. Well if they are already here instead of running why not see who can clean up the fastest

   Pretty trippy the movie "Recount" is on HBO on demand...