Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am the Donald Trump of poor people.

   Had to sit down half-way through peeling a hard-boiled egg.

   Best way to realize if you have a stupid idea is to consider who agrees with it and who doesn't.

   So is everyone Irish yet?

   I’m not saying she’s a slut, but she’s been banged more times than a snooze button on Monday morning.

   Does law enforcement ever look down at their utility belt and think, "I'm not batman, what the fuck am I doing with all this stuff?"

   Your bra is the biggest liar I know.

   if these damned Mayans are wrong, I'm gonna owe a lot money and will definitely have to return the Lamborghini!!

   This getting up at a time I don't want to get up and going to a place I don't want to be is really starting to feel like work.

   Tyler Swift should just accept that she is a total failure at relationships.

   If you watch Tarzan with your eyes closed, it's just Phil Collins singing in the jungle.

   sometimes I put hot sauce in the ketchup bottles at work

   I don't use a lot of hand sanitizer because I'm a germaphobe. I just like everyone to think that I'm hatching a dastardly plan ツ

   Despite the recent news, Tesco says that their beef burger sales remain stable.

   accidently took my wife's menopause medicine last night,.... woke up at 2:30 a.m with an irresistible urge to slap the crap outta myself and tell me to go to my Dog house ....so here I am....

   Top ten things men understand about women. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10.

   Please be patient… Beer isn't finished with me yet.

   A life?! Where can I download one of those?

   Just remember foks, when ya ask to borrow someone's phone....nobody takes the newspaper into the bathroom anymore!!

   Memo to New Orleans: You can't turn the Superdome into a sewer this time., emergency shelter will be at Tom Benson's house....