Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Notice Liars have 2 or 3 stories like a big house!!!!

   When I was a boy all I ever wanted was super sized tree house and a Jetson style Jetpack. But then my desires became more grown up over the years and now all I want is some dancing Hamsters from the Kia Soul commercials

   I only drank twice last week....Once for three days and once for four days

   Life is harder for the beautiful people. I'm sorry you'll never know.

   There would be less drunk driving in the world if Jack In The Box delivered.

   Becareful how you treat people.... for the toes you step on today may be connected to the @$$ you kiss tomorrow

   Every girl has a slutty friend.....and if you people were any kind of friend at all, you would introduce me to yours

   I gave three women Corona's today and not one of them appeared in a bikini! Dang false advertising!!

   Blackberry must be a woman cause only a woman can ignore you for 3 days straight and then pretend nothing was wrong.. Next time I will buy a Louis Vuitton cover so she starts talking again.. :-)

   Just saw graffiti of someone's Twitter name. It's official- the world is ending.

   why are most king-size comforters so ugly? My bed is not an obese woman in need of a flowered, polyester muumuu.

   You have to realize women love challenges. They always want what they can't have.

   What do Apple and the US economy have in common now? No Jobs

   If I die young: Put me down as courteous enough not to overstay my welcome.

   you know why some people always run their mouths??..because talk is cheap and for some, it's all they can afford

   Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.

   I fight evil wherever it may be….except in dark, scary places.

   The TV is so loud! But not quite loud enough to make me get up and get the remote.

   Money can't buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it.

   Where's the Kaboom? There was supposed to be an earth shattering kaboom