Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Looked up "Google" in an encyclopedia and all it said was,,, "Ah, crap."

   Why does eating make you fat? People should’t be punished for eating. Why don’t people who wear sunglasses indoors get fat instead.

   I made a post on my facebook saying that I really need prayers right now... then later in the day I replied and explained it was because I bought some scratch offs

   If things were to turn around, I seriously doubt that one cat would take in 26 old ladies.

   I surely believe in Hate at first sight for no reason !!

   Unemployment is up to 8.2%. Axelrod just got fired...

   To the guys saying they want a girl who will fix them a snack after sex: If she's capable of walking you haven't earned a damn sandwich!

   I don't repeat gossip so listen closely the first time!

   Never operate electrical equipment under the influence, except for guitars and amplifiers because that s hit will sound great.

   I get jealous when my stalker stalks some one else!

   Dance like the photo's not being tagged. Love like you've never been unfriended. Sing like nobody's following. Share like you care. And do it all like it won't end up on FACEBOOK.

   I still can't believe I was cited for running through the park naked when it was clearly evident I had black socks on! ツ

   A lie is not nearly as bad as the insult to my intelligence.

   Hey, China. We stuck that Mars landing.

   On a scale from 1 to Taylor Swift, how successful was your breakup?

   I'm not sure if people stopped saying "yolo" or everyone that said "yolo" has died.

   I'm so glad they brought back the McRib for the Holidays...I always wanted an angioplasty for Christmas! ツ

   I bet if we got congress high there would be so many solutions and a new budget for Doritos

   Kim and Kanye respectfully request as little privacy as you can give them during this blessed event...

   every year it is a race to see who drops first me or the new years ball