Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Unemployment is up to 8.2%. Axelrod just got fired...

   To the guys saying they want a girl who will fix them a snack after sex: If she's capable of walking you haven't earned a damn sandwich!

   I don't repeat gossip so listen closely the first time!

   Never operate electrical equipment under the influence, except for guitars and amplifiers because that s hit will sound great.

   I get jealous when my stalker stalks some one else!

   Dance like the photo's not being tagged. Love like you've never been unfriended. Sing like nobody's following. Share like you care. And do it all like it won't end up on FACEBOOK.

   I still can't believe I was cited for running through the park naked when it was clearly evident I had black socks on! ツ

   A lie is not nearly as bad as the insult to my intelligence.

   Hey, China. We stuck that Mars landing.

   On a scale from 1 to Taylor Swift, how successful was your breakup?

   I'm not sure if people stopped saying "yolo" or everyone that said "yolo" has died.

   I'm so glad they brought back the McRib for the Holidays...I always wanted an angioplasty for Christmas! ツ

   I bet if we got congress high there would be so many solutions and a new budget for Doritos

   Kim and Kanye respectfully request as little privacy as you can give them during this blessed event...

   every year it is a race to see who drops first me or the new years ball

   Ok so my cart tapped your ass.. Whatever guy in front of me! I see your crocs... That's probably the most action you've gotten in months.

   Looks like St. Patrick's day can't come soon enough this year for the Irish!

   Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it's no biggie by breaking into a jog and don't stop until I'm in a new city with a new life.

   Coworker: "I can't eat anything that looks too much like it did before it was dead." Me: "You sound terrible at sex."

   why do people post a pic of every meal that they eat? no one cares...