Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Happy March 14, Steak and BJ day. Thanks Tom Birdsey!!!

   I come up with the best ideas when sitting on the toilet then forget them after the flush.

   In other news, 科 研成果 迅速 转化为生产力 是这个特!

   Pouring out a jar of marshmallow fluff. For my Peeps.

   Whoever decided this Halloween candy is the "fun" size is not someone I care to party with.

   I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth.

   waiting alone in the car; Everyone outside automatically becomes a rapist...

   The 'unlike' button is the closest we are ever gonna get to a 'dislike' button.

   "Will you just be doing simple abductions? Do you need soundproofing? Shackle package?" - van salesman

   Someone told me a while back. Your not in a relationship unless its official on Facebook. I just wanted to slap em right there.

   I'm too self centered to be a stalker.

   What? Wait! You mean you can log out?

   Don't borrow vinegar from your neighbor if they have to get the bottle out of the bathroom!

   Monday is like a kid having sex for the first time...it came too soon!

   I'm no gynecologist, but I know a c*nt when I see one.

   You should appreciate my sacrasm, if I told you the truth it would be a HUGE blow to your self esteem.

   The world would be a better place without guns. Then we could focus on important things...like how to kill a man with one punch.

   I'm lovin' my new Air Jordans even if they do smell like Pepper Spray..........

   Happy New Year everybody! I know its a bit early but I often suffer from premature congratulations!. :(

   Part of me says "I can wear my sunglasses at night"...But the other part says "Fool you know you clumsy enough in the daytime"...