Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   dear facebook,stop spamming my wall with dating site Ads or am going to change my relationship status from single to married and sue you for temptation.love,me.

   Last night I said to the wife let's get rated R. So I pulled down my pants and she cussed and punched me in the face.

   First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down...

   I'm in the mood for Sushi but the Japanese place near me doesn't take credit cards. I'm gunna have raw toast instead.

   Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

   Do it tomorrow. You've made enough mistakes for today.

   Obama, You're Fired!!!!

   They now say alot of the fake news came out of Russia. Subsequently picked up and reported by CNN

   200 North Koreans died in a tunnel collapse when testing their nukes. Looks like Kim Jong Un is on the US side of the war.

   We need to make guns illegal, like we did with drugs. You can’t find that stuff anywhere nowadays.

   If I weren’t so angry I would feel horrible for all the bIack Iives so weak of mind and spirit that they let a bunch of old, white politicians tell them they aren’t good enough to be productive members of society.

   Just think. If all parents were pro-abortion, it's likely we wouldn't be here to argue over it.

   Pinocchio wins award for being more credible than the pollsters.

   Screw Finding Dory... Let's find Clintons deleted emails!

   Confucius say wife who keep husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

   "Womp womp." -Judge sentencing Corey Lewandowski to prison

   My wife asked about my wildest sex fantasy, but she got pissed when I told her. I probably shouldn’t have started w/ “After your funeral...”

   I question how authentic your Italian restaurant when you're Wednesday special is 12" hot dog

   People complaining in the express line about the lady writing a check will be uber ticked when I try to barter a sheep for this 6-pack of Pepsi

   If you get an email titled "Nude Pictures of Sarah Palin" do not open it. It is a virus. If you get an email titled "Nude Pictures of Hillary Clinton" do not open it. It is nude pictures of Hillary Clinton.