Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm in the mood for Sushi but the Japanese place near me doesn't take credit cards. I'm gunna have raw toast instead.

   Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

   Do it tomorrow. You've made enough mistakes for today.

   I like to screw with the customer service girl at Kroger.I go to the coinstar machine and put in 74 cents and then take the receipt to customer service just to see the look on her face!

   A huge gym opened up right next to my local bar. No thanks, I'll just stick to my one-armed pint glass curls, drunk friend dead-lifts and pick-my-drunk-ass-off-the-floor push-ups.

   Facebook now automatically scans your brain through your monitor. To block, go to your kitchen cabinet and remove the box of aluminum foil. Wrap foi laround your head, stay calm, and breathe through your left nostril. This is a serious problem. Copy & pas

   Each day is a gift...Mondays are gag gifts!

   I didn't go see the Social Network because I was worried I'd run into people from high school that I don't remember or didn't like.

   Obama, You're Fired!!!!

   They now say alot of the fake news came out of Russia. Subsequently picked up and reported by CNN

   Screw Finding Dory... Let's find Clintons deleted emails!

   If I weren’t so angry I would feel horrible for all the bIack Iives so weak of mind and spirit that they let a bunch of old, white politicians tell them they aren’t good enough to be productive members of society.

   Just think. If all parents were pro-abortion, it's likely we wouldn't be here to argue over it.

   Pinocchio wins award for being more credible than the pollsters.

   Confucius say wife who keep husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

   200 North Koreans died in a tunnel collapse when testing their nukes. Looks like Kim Jong Un is on the US side of the war.

   We need to make guns illegal, like we did with drugs. You can’t find that stuff anywhere nowadays.

   "Womp womp." -Judge sentencing Corey Lewandowski to prison

   My wife asked about my wildest sex fantasy, but she got pissed when I told her. I probably shouldn’t have started w/ “After your funeral...”

   I question how authentic your Italian restaurant when you're Wednesday special is 12" hot dog