Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Of course Russia was evil,,, They sent a dog up into space,,,,,, Everyone Knows that dogs HATE vacuums

   It's a a romantic hotel hideaway. Until someone has to poo.

   Man that wind is really blowing hard out. I seen a chicken lay the same egg three times..

   Keep Calm and....and who am I kidding just Kick Ass!

   Halo 4 comes out on election day? I hope my wife tells me who won the election....i'll be busy for the next week or so!

   Marry the person who makes you forget about Facebook and thank them for saving your life.

   When I need you, I just close my eyes and down some painkillers with a glass of wine - and suddenly I don`t need you anymore.

   Why does the girl in the Wendy's commercials have Ronald McDonalds hair?

   I wish people would just listen to my advice. I have invested many years f*cking shlt up so you don't have to.

   If Miley Cyrus wore a g-string, you'd still be able to see the string.

   I'm pretty sure twerking is mentioned somewhere in the book of Revelations

   I don't think the country that sells Dolly Madison Pink Frosted Zingers should be preaching about using chemical weapons on people.

   I'm gonna fill a piñata with actual animal guts ! That's what I call a surprise party kids !

   It's been a good Mothers Day only negative is mom didn't finish the 7 pound omelette challenge so she had to pay for breakfast.

   The best reply to "I love you" is "Well that's a terrible idea."

   On the weekends, I'm a Cupcake War reenactor.

   Okay I'll stop. But I'm not going to collaborate or listen.

   I think it's time for a new Gordon Ramsey cooking show called "Microwave Meals From Hell!"

   Every club is a strip club, if you have the money. Every zoo is a petting zoo, if you have the balls.

   Show me on this doll where the evil Monday touched you.