Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No babe, don't send me the nude pictures. Send me a picture of your medicine cabinet. I'd like to know what kind of psycho I'm dealing with...

   Im going to write bad checks at Target because I identify myself as a billionaire....Shame on my bank for restraining me from what I'm destined to be!

   Facebook is now a place full of whiny Bernie supporters waiting to be offended with whatever Hillary promises.

   I'd like to congratulate Hillary Clinton on clinching the Democratic nomination. Does anyone have her personal email address?

   Just looking at the snow angels I made. I'm definitely going to the gym tomorrow!

   The Packers did a discount double choke on Sunday

   Yes I am a fan , a huge fan of inappropriate behavior.

   I would call my fashion style: “clothes that still fit.”

   My wife told me I had a great face for radio. That wasn't nice. At least my ex's said nice things about me, they said I was better in bed then most my friends

   Paper shouldn't beat rock -- maybe smooth jazz fusion or contemporary country, but that's it.

   My mom always told me television would rot my brain. But if it wasn't for commercials, I wouldn't know that 4X4 = truck.

   I just had salmon, raspberries & pine nuts for supper. Somewhere, out there, a grizzly bear is searching for his soulmate.

   It's all fun and games until they find traces of your DNA

   Sometimes I wish saying "Uncle" to Life would work.

   Telephone: An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.

   Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my womans hair. It's a nice way to let her know my love,, and also that we're out of napkin

   Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think "look at all these poor people who don't know Netflix exists."

   By thigh gap you mean the distance between the KFC and my mouth right.

   I went cow-tipping at Old Country Buffet.

   Live in the moment. Unless the moment sucks. Then live on Facebook.