Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only thing I know about Women: They don't like being told what to do unless they're naked.

   They should make the female swimmers wear a tube top & thong then maybe I'd finish before they did.

   I just rolled my eyes so far back into my head that I saw where I went wrong.

   If you don't like my Facebook updates, please feel free to delete me and solely visit your friends' pages where the "big news" of the day is when one of their grandkids finally took a $h!t all by themselves.

   Baby name suggestions for Beyonce & Jay-Z: Red Vine? Yellow Daisy? Green Grass? Pink Pansy?

   I swear they have a prescription drug for everything. "Hey...do you go to sleep at night and wake up in the morning? Then take this useless pill so you can die and the doctors & lawyers can take your family's money."....Nice evil scheme guys.

   I've been around the block a few times. I forgot where I live.

   Pop a molly? Why don't some of you hoes start poppin birth control.

   I always make sure the music is loud when I'm having sex so I don't get to hear her say ''THAT'S NOT 9 INCHES!!!''

   Remember: A butt dial and a booty call are two entirely different things.

   Friendship isn’t about being there when it’s convenient, it’s about being there when it’s not.

   Coworker: Scott, can I ask you a question?... Me: That's a great question, and the answer is no.. No you cannot.

   Why is it always the ugly people who have to post pics of themselves every other day? You might love the camera but it’s obvious the camera does not love you back. So put the camera down and stop scaring little children with your pics.

   I really don't need a girlfriend.... Facebook always ask what I’m thinking, Twitter's asking me what I’m doing, and Foursquare is always asking me where I'm at. All I need to do is find a way to have the Internet make me a sandwich!

   Fellas; If your fiancé designs her own engagement ring, prepare for a life of sex on your birthday and holidays only.

   I'm gonna be busy scanning Craigslist for the PopeMobile.

   As they say in Florida, any day you wake up and you weren't swallowed whole by the earth while you were sleeping is a good day.

   My tombstone will read: He died doing what he loved. Your wife.

   A dog running a hundred miles to retrieve a stick? That's pretty far-fetched.

   So there I was, wanking myself off, when suddenly I thought "This prostitute is lazy".