Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Pop a molly? Why don't some of you hoes start poppin birth control.

   I always make sure the music is loud when I'm having sex so I don't get to hear her say ''THAT'S NOT 9 INCHES!!!''

   Remember: A butt dial and a booty call are two entirely different things.

   Friendship isn’t about being there when it’s convenient, it’s about being there when it’s not.

   Coworker: Scott, can I ask you a question?... Me: That's a great question, and the answer is no.. No you cannot.

   Why is it always the ugly people who have to post pics of themselves every other day? You might love the camera but it’s obvious the camera does not love you back. So put the camera down and stop scaring little children with your pics.

   I really don't need a girlfriend.... Facebook always ask what I’m thinking, Twitter's asking me what I’m doing, and Foursquare is always asking me where I'm at. All I need to do is find a way to have the Internet make me a sandwich!

   Fellas; If your fiancé designs her own engagement ring, prepare for a life of sex on your birthday and holidays only.

   I'm gonna be busy scanning Craigslist for the PopeMobile.

   As they say in Florida, any day you wake up and you weren't swallowed whole by the earth while you were sleeping is a good day.

   My tombstone will read: He died doing what he loved. Your wife.

   A dog running a hundred miles to retrieve a stick? That's pretty far-fetched.

   So there I was, wanking myself off, when suddenly I thought "This prostitute is lazy".

   When my boyfriend couldn't get me off last night, I slapped him in the face and yelled, "See! This is why you can't have nice things!"

   I have not taken a shower since last year

   I’m thinking about becoming an MMA fighter. What’s the tattoo minimum??

   Have you ever had one of those moments when you look up and realize that you're one of those people you see on the train talking to themselves?

   I just heard Beyonce might come back out on the field and sing, "♫♪♫ Can you pay yo Bills?, Yo Stadium Bills....♫♪♫ "

   I know its early, but I wanna sneak off to the bar

   I can't believe how strong the winds were last night. I went out to get my GF some milk and got blown into the f*cking bar.