Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   definitely thinks you're a tool...just not the right one for the job.

   this status has been blocked by your manditory internet censorship filter for your own good.

   Where there's smoke, the possibility exists I might be cooking...

   behind every good man is a woman and behind her another man stairing at her butt

   Facebook isn't better than sex, but sliced bread is in serious trouble

   I Did not I Repeat I Did not sleep with that young intern I Was up all night

   withes that sometimes the Prince and the Slut would live happily ever after.. like in the movies.

   wonders what the proper amount of Thin Mints to eat in one sitting are? One Cookie? Two? One Tube? Two?

   On the other hand... You have differnt fingers

   bringing Afro's back....this message is sponsored by humidity

   With all that weight loss, 50 Cent looks like one of those crazy people from "I Am Legend"

   I am fixing to pull out your voodoo doll. I suggest you brace yourself...

   I'm not usually a fan of cliche's, but every now and then it's ok to ask yourself what you're truly thankful for...

   The only thing I know about Women: They don't like being told what to do unless they're naked.

   They should make the female swimmers wear a tube top & thong then maybe I'd finish before they did.

   I just rolled my eyes so far back into my head that I saw where I went wrong.

   If you don't like my Facebook updates, please feel free to delete me and solely visit your friends' pages where the "big news" of the day is when one of their grandkids finally took a $h!t all by themselves.

   Baby name suggestions for Beyonce & Jay-Z: Red Vine? Yellow Daisy? Green Grass? Pink Pansy?

   I swear they have a prescription drug for everything. "Hey...do you go to sleep at night and wake up in the morning? Then take this useless pill so you can die and the doctors & lawyers can take your family's money."....Nice evil scheme guys.

   I've been around the block a few times. I forgot where I live.