Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Facebook isn't better than sex, but sliced bread is in serious trouble

   I Did not I Repeat I Did not sleep with that young intern I Was up all night

   withes that sometimes the Prince and the Slut would live happily ever after.. like in the movies.

   wonders what the proper amount of Thin Mints to eat in one sitting are? One Cookie? Two? One Tube? Two?

   On the other hand... You have differnt fingers

   Can everyone who has an iPhone 4 stop talking about it until the rest of the world has them? Thanks.

   Does anyone else find the irony in Sarah Jessica Parker doing those facial cream commercials for a younger looking face?

   ...is hoping that Mel Gibson and Lindsay Lohan find each other...

   See, you think I give a sh@t.. Wrong! In fact, while you talk,I'm thinking; How can I give less of a sh@t?that's why I look so interested..

   Dear Hillbilly from AR on the news last night, I am sure that all the dead birds in your town were not from Aliens invading earth, I'm positive that if invaders have the technology to come to Earth and wanted to scare you, throwing birds at you would no

   says it is so cold outside, that even the guy at the gas station had a towel on his head!

   How can October be Breast awareness month? Men notice them all the time!

   I'm a whole new breed of special.

   I am fixing to pull out your voodoo doll. I suggest you brace yourself...

   I'm not usually a fan of cliche's, but every now and then it's ok to ask yourself what you're truly thankful for...

   The only thing I know about Women: They don't like being told what to do unless they're naked.

   They should make the female swimmers wear a tube top & thong then maybe I'd finish before they did.

   I just rolled my eyes so far back into my head that I saw where I went wrong.

   If you don't like my Facebook updates, please feel free to delete me and solely visit your friends' pages where the "big news" of the day is when one of their grandkids finally took a $h!t all by themselves.

   Baby name suggestions for Beyonce & Jay-Z: Red Vine? Yellow Daisy? Green Grass? Pink Pansy?