Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Your ex boyfriend/girlfriend's status changes to "In a relatiobship"....You: (Damn). A week later, their status changes back to "Single"....You: (Hahahahahahaha!)

   Why is it when I press 1 for English when calling "Tech Support"... I get someone that doesnt even speak f*ckin english!!!

   I never worry about money. What's the sense of worrying about something you don't have?

   My girlfriend and I weighed ourselves, then we had sex, and then we weighed ourselves again. Just as I thought... I'm doing all the f*cking work.

   Monkeys use sex as a way to end an argument....One of my favorite techniques as well

   Broom for sale...needs new motor from overuse. Switching to magic carpet...more comfortable.

   Sometimes God turns you upside down so you can learn to live rightside up.

   If you think things improve with age, attend a class reunion.

   Today is the 1 year anniversary of Michael Jackson's death. I will be randomly grabbing my crotch in his memory for the rest of the day.

   Just a guess, but I'm suspecting if the Cancer Society held drinkathons instead of walkathons, we'd have a cure by now

   contemplating becoming schizophrenic, but is in two minds about it.

   went to a country jamboree when this slutty dressed girl tripped and ended up on her back...Couldn't help it...I yelled Now that's a HO DOWN!!!

   Immediately like this status if you automatically restart a game when you know your gonna lose!

   Trying is the first step toward failure.

   South African authorities are estimating that 40,000 sex workers will trickle in for the World Cup. Wow! I had no idea hookers like soccer so much!

   Global warming will not kill us. It will just adjust the food web so that every other animal dies and we resort to eating each other. That's when the zombie apocolypse comes in...

   Who wants to do something we will regret in the morning? Anyone?

   ...is now awesome. earlier I was just pretty damn amazing :)

   needs a warm fireplace for my morningwood.

   typIng 1IkE thI5 w0U1d drIvE mE f*ckIng crAzy!