Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I never worry about money. What's the sense of worrying about something you don't have?

   My girlfriend and I weighed ourselves, then we had sex, and then we weighed ourselves again. Just as I thought... I'm doing all the f*cking work.

   I just love gambling here in Vegas. Sure, I may lose $100,000 but the drinks are free so it evens out

   yes I wet the bed from drinkin to much last night..and cause I wanted her gone by the time I woke up to see how ugly she was

   Justin Bieber the only daughter that Mr. & Mrs. Bieber have?

   I'm alone by choice, but your alone by being yourself!

   When I was 18 I used to worry that I didn't do it enough, now that I'm over 40 I worry I might have to do it.

   Today is the 1 year anniversary of Michael Jackson's death. I will be randomly grabbing my crotch in his memory for the rest of the day.

   Just a guess, but I'm suspecting if the Cancer Society held drinkathons instead of walkathons, we'd have a cure by now

   contemplating becoming schizophrenic, but is in two minds about it.

   went to a country jamboree when this slutty dressed girl tripped and ended up on her back...Couldn't help it...I yelled Now that's a HO DOWN!!!

   Who wants to do something we will regret in the morning? Anyone?

   ...is now awesome. earlier I was just pretty damn amazing :)

   needs a warm fireplace for my morningwood.

   Immediately like this status if you automatically restart a game when you know your gonna lose!

   Trying is the first step toward failure.

   South African authorities are estimating that 40,000 sex workers will trickle in for the World Cup. Wow! I had no idea hookers like soccer so much!

   Global warming will not kill us. It will just adjust the food web so that every other animal dies and we resort to eating each other. That's when the zombie apocolypse comes in...

   typIng 1IkE thI5 w0U1d drIvE mE f*ckIng crAzy!

   I am like a freaking Hallmark card..I care enough to post the very best!!