Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I bet all the Heat fans are super excited for Game 8 tomorrow night.

   Instagram is Twitter for people who can't read.

   Strict parents create sneaky children.

   I'm so straight that I eat my hotdog from the middle.

   The magic of Facebook... you can poke each other all day long... and no one has to lay in the wet spot.

   Age is just a number… yeah, and jail is just a room.

   Behind every successful man is a woman, and behind her is me checking out her ass.

   why am I doing homework?? the world ends in 40 days

   Nothing worse than staying the night at the girlfriend's house for the first time and having diarrhea.

   It's funny how some people are all nice and humble on Thanksgiving... Then less than 12 hours later flip like a light switch and start throwing elbows into people's throats to get a TV.

   Quick question: Is there anyone out there who has NOT gotten engaged, divorced or pregnant in 2012?

   Ten years from now, one of the hardest challenges our kids will face will be finding a username that's still available.

   Every time I make a new friend. They seem to figure out a way to escape from my basement.

   Learn From Your Parents Mistakes - Use Birth Control. Only a fool makes a mistake twice.

   it's winter, and it snowed. Enough said!

   I have an air mattress. It's great because if someone tries to suffocate me in bed I can just poke a hole in it and use it to stay alive.

   If I could vote for just Romney's hair, I would.

   What idiot driver on the freeway next to me this morning was trying to floss while driving, he was swerving all over the place. The jerk nearly made me drop my newspaper and my phone!!!

   Did you ever blow bubbles as a kid?... Well he's back in town

   Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph.