Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know your old when you come close to shaving your nipple off while trying to shave your legs!

   What do you mean you don't want to have sex? You smiled at me and everything.

   unnecessary kindness is your first clue to picking out an "up to no good".

   Axe just released 3 new scented body sprays. 1 New skateboard 2 Halo 3 3 Mom I'm hungry

   If Republican candidates would stop calling them "Rallies" and start calling them "Job Fairs" they wouldn't have the problems like the liberals in Chicago started.... Just saying!

   ....... Why do illegal Mexican trespassers wave the Mexican Flag at protests in America but refuse to live in their home country of Mexico ....

   I just lost my Job, I'm a Winner!!.

   Don't worry about biting off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger than you think. ツ

   don't beleive all the rumours on me, the true is much worst.

   Did you hear about the elephant with diarrhea? It's all over town.

   ill make everyone in the world a bet... if we die tomorrow I'll give you a doller, if we live you have to give me a doller. good? okay.

   Dear iPhone, Please stop spellchecking all of my rude words into nice words. You piece of shutSincerely, Every iPhone User .

   My co worker asked if I could help file some documents. I said I was working on a huge project while she watched me play solitaire.

   When someone enteres the room while you watch porn, make sure not to just minimize your window... also lower the damn volume. Sorry mom...

   Why is it that married, engaged and other supposedly “taken” women flirt much more than single women? Are they damn greedy or they just want to enjoy the best of both worlds?

   I'm sick of having to capitalize "I." Whoever made up that rule sucks!

   - The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

   “Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.”

   The other 65% of Taco Bell meat is gorilla.

   wonders why they sell windshield washer fluid in a gallon container, but the reservoir in vehicles only holds 7/8 gallon.