Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   what happened to the days when you would date someone because you actually wanted a future with them.. now and days people just date because they want someone cute by there side. i'd date with my eyes close, and let there personality shape there beauty.

   It's amazing what the Americans can do when the PS3 network is down.

   I would really hate to be a politician...mostly because I couldn't say "fock you, a55hole" any time that I felt like it. :)

   My neighbor is always talking about the paranormal. Wonder what she will have to say when she finds out I put Mentos in the bird feeder and Diet Coke in the bird bath.

   Dear fat, I don't need you to cover me. Sincerely muscle.

   "I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I Do" is the longest sentence?

   convinced God made mosquitos and flies just to watch us slap ourselves

   My wife thinks i'm crazy. I'm beginning to regret all the effort I put into protecting her from the king of the potato people.

   To prevent addiction, candy companies are forced to insert the yellow ones.

   thinks businesses that make their employees work on Christmas day are from the devil! Except for the gas stations and all of the other businesses I'm going to need today.... those ones are sent from God!

   Does power cleaning the whole house in 6 hours qualify for a medal in the Olympics today? just askin'....

   a good night is always followed by a bad morning.

   I'm always caught a little off guard when an airport security checkpoint worker shows symptoms of having a personality.

   When they tell you not to mix chemicals they're f*cking serious. On a related note: high as f*ck and my house might explode...

   Skinny jeans is like a cheap motel..... NO BALL ROOM!!!!

   reckons he was baptized in LSD.

   8 beers have been taken by parents in my annual Trick or Beer giveaway. The walking parents are thirsty, and appreciative, tonight!

   Just went outside for a couple of minutes, according to my nipples, I'ts damn cold outside!

   If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?

   a strong supporter of gay rights but he thinks we should also strongly support gay lefts because the two go hand-in-hand.