Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love everybody. Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and some I'd love to punch in the face!

   Okay. You have the perfect marriage. Fine. Your grandkids are the greatest ever. Fine. You have a nice car and boat. Fine. Stick em all up your a$$. Fine.

   life is all about ass. You're either covering it, laughing it off, kicking it, kissing it, busting it or trying to get a piece of it.

   LADIES: If you don't know ur own worth and value...then do NOT expect someone else to calculate it for u.

   Every time I see these college/university commercials on TV, the my brain just keeps screaming (SCAM!, SCAM!, SCAM!, SCAAAAAAM!)

   Whose idea was it to "be an adult?"

   Wondering how much of my tax money was used to fuel up the marine helicopters used to bring the trainers in for the biggest loser. Now I'm paying for fat people to lose weight? Wtf!

   what happened to the days when you would date someone because you actually wanted a future with them.. now and days people just date because they want someone cute by there side. i'd date with my eyes close, and let there personality shape there beauty.

   It's amazing what the Americans can do when the PS3 network is down.

   I would really hate to be a politician...mostly because I couldn't say "fock you, a55hole" any time that I felt like it. :)

   My neighbor is always talking about the paranormal. Wonder what she will have to say when she finds out I put Mentos in the bird feeder and Diet Coke in the bird bath.

   Dear fat, I don't need you to cover me. Sincerely muscle.

   "I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I Do" is the longest sentence?

   convinced God made mosquitos and flies just to watch us slap ourselves

   My wife thinks i'm crazy. I'm beginning to regret all the effort I put into protecting her from the king of the potato people.

   To prevent addiction, candy companies are forced to insert the yellow ones.

   reckons he was baptized in LSD.

   8 beers have been taken by parents in my annual Trick or Beer giveaway. The walking parents are thirsty, and appreciative, tonight!

   thinks businesses that make their employees work on Christmas day are from the devil! Except for the gas stations and all of the other businesses I'm going to need today.... those ones are sent from God!

   Does power cleaning the whole house in 6 hours qualify for a medal in the Olympics today? just askin'....