Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whose idea was it to "be an adult?"

   Wondering how much of my tax money was used to fuel up the marine helicopters used to bring the trainers in for the biggest loser. Now I'm paying for fat people to lose weight? Wtf!

   what happened to the days when you would date someone because you actually wanted a future with them.. now and days people just date because they want someone cute by there side. i'd date with my eyes close, and let there personality shape there beauty.

   It's amazing what the Americans can do when the PS3 network is down.

   I would really hate to be a politician...mostly because I couldn't say "fock you, a55hole" any time that I felt like it. :)

   My neighbor is always talking about the paranormal. Wonder what she will have to say when she finds out I put Mentos in the bird feeder and Diet Coke in the bird bath.

   Dear fat, I don't need you to cover me. Sincerely muscle.

   "I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I Do" is the longest sentence?

   convinced God made mosquitos and flies just to watch us slap ourselves

   My wife thinks i'm crazy. I'm beginning to regret all the effort I put into protecting her from the king of the potato people.

   To prevent addiction, candy companies are forced to insert the yellow ones.

   Just went outside for a couple of minutes, according to my nipples, I'ts damn cold outside!

   If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?

   When love is not madness... it is not love.

   I don't eat nuts at the bar. But I like to run my fingers through them and lick the salt off.

   Chili usually comes to my rescue when I have things trapped in a hole.

   The NFL should change it's name to the little girls league with all these rules. Football is a violent and physical sport, if you get hurt, it's part of the job.

   reckons he was baptized in LSD.

   8 beers have been taken by parents in my annual Trick or Beer giveaway. The walking parents are thirsty, and appreciative, tonight!

   thinks businesses that make their employees work on Christmas day are from the devil! Except for the gas stations and all of the other businesses I'm going to need today.... those ones are sent from God!