Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All good things come to those you hate. While you sit and wonder why this is true, the one you hate is enjoying their life while you just sit there and wonder why.

   Ladies, no one wants to motorboat your rib cage. Eat a sandwich.

   If I had a cooking show, it would be called “Do You Smell Something Burning?”

   I've seen enough episodes of "Cops" to know that you should avoid all people with blurry faces....

   My fortune cookie read "End of roll. Replace"

   It never fails, when a girl steals my Facebook status she gets a ton more "likes" than I did. :(

   The final episode of Mythbusters should end with them proving they don't exist... and then vanishing.

   A friend of mine said onions are the only food that can make you cry..that was before I hit him in the face with a watermelon

   Success is just like being Pregnant, everybody congratulates you, but nobody knows how many times you were f%@ked.

   There has been only one Christmas – the rest are anniversaries.

   Does anyone know how much water I'm supposed to add to this baby powder to make an infant?

   We thought a 747 was landing in the hall last night. After checking everything out it was just a central air unit flying south for the summer!

   Sometimes when I close my eyes I can't see.

   Dear girl running for her life, I was only running after you with the knife trying to protect you from whatever you were running from... call me

   returning Mike Tyson's pet tiger.

   Thinking about starting a new diet, it's called the "Sight Unseen Diet." If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

   two nuns are riding their bikes down a small stone trail, one nun tells the other "wow, I've never came this way before", "yeah I know, it must be these stones

   The Deadliest Catch would be so much cooler if they'd plant a serial killer on each boat.

   Beer is the path to the dark side. Beer leads to jager. Jager leads to hangover. Hangover leads to suffering.

   You should never laugh at mentally challenged people,.. it's just not cooI, I have feelings too!