Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   planning on driving around to random churches Saturday night and leaving piles of clothes so that some people will believe they have been left behind on Sunday morning. You in?

   Was anyone else hoping that the final Oprah show would include wearing tracksuits, taking poison and waiting for the mother ship to appear?

   Some women are born to greatness, some have it thrust into them.

   I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

   I told you officer, I cut the ass out of the gorilla suit because they don't sell baboon costumes....I don't know who crapped on your car.

   Anyone else think Ashley on "Hardcore Pawn" comes off as such a C you Next Tuesday?

   Its apparently rude to make "whoosh" sounds when an asian person hands you something. You would think they would appreciate the ninja sound effects.

   Roses are red, violets are blue, GET IN THE VAN!!!!!

   Gatorade's motto is "Is it in you?" ... Coincidentally, that was also MY motto the first several times I tried to have sex

   BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby

   Take away all the vowels in "female" you get FML...

   99% of teens today would die if Facebook had an error and shut down. Make this your status if you'd be part of the 1% laughing! :)

   Huh, as a child I hated to get spanked with a belt and it made me cry. Yet as an adult I enjoy it and it makes me smile. Go figure.

   A hard man is good to find....

   I don't care if you lick windows, take the special bus or occasionally pee on yourself.. You hang in there sunshine, you're friggin' special

   Dear Mario, I wasted my childhood just to save your b!tch.

   I'm black, but I'm not ,24 inch rims, black

   Dear Santa, This year please bring me a big fat bank account and a slim body. Please don't mix them up as you have in previous years. Thanks!

   When the mechanic said I 'blew a seal', I was afraid he knew about that summer I worked at Sea World but it turns out it's some car thing.

   I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at a floor and think, 'I'd so tap the sh!t out of that.'