Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The sexual position, more commonly known as 69 will now be known as 96. Due to the economy, it now costs more to eat out than it used to

   Sometimes, I drive by the schoolyard and scream "STOP WASTING YOUR TIME!" to white kids playing basketball.

   My computer asks "Delete cookies?" Cookie Monster pounds on my door, shouting, "NOOOO! KEEP COOKIES!"

   at the ATM the other day and an old lady approached and asked me to help check her balance.....So I pushed her

   I used to see this girl across the road from me. She would get naked for me each morning it was great. But now she closes her curtains.

   Apparently, "Press 1 for English" is now code for "Transfer me to someone in India who can fuc k this up for you in a big way"

   found the secret to life via this mathematical formula. To calculate, enter the following in Google: exp((-(((x-4)^2+(y-4)^2)^2))/1000)+exp((-(((x+4)^2+(y+4)^2)^2))/1000)+0.15*exp(-(((x+4)^2+(y+ 4)^2)^2))+0.15*exp(-(((x-4)^2+(y-4)^2)^2

   You really cant blame Bill for cheating... The only thing I want to stick in Hillary is the claw end of a hammer.

   found Wonka's last golden ticket!

   pleasure and frustration, right as you're about to cum, they do a 10 second shot of the dude's face!

   I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

   Tila Tequila says in interview that she's a hardcore conservative. It's no wonder why she thinks the earth is flat.

   CNN debate polls are in: Hillary 4% Sanders 6% Webb 2% Putin 70% Karl Marx 18%

   Working for God does not pay much, but His retirement plan is out of this world

   I love a good political joke. Unless it gets elected president...

   When Donald Trump was the President, CNN asked for Trump's resignation on daily basis for mishandling of Coronavirus. Now 1 million daily cases, CNN is on the verge of giving Nobel peace award to Joe Biden & Kamala Harris.

   Hey single ladies, you want a boyfriend? Easy! Learn to shut up and dramatically lower your standards!

   Remember when you were a kid and used to blow bubbles? Well Bubbles called and he wants your phone number...

   will return after a brief word from our sponsors

   I bought a cheese grater for Stevie Wonder. He said it was the most violent book he's ever read.