Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I see one more girl create a Facebook profile for her unborn child, I will not hesitate to make a profile as a coat hanger and poke it

   I'm pretty sure the Mayans just got tired of writing that calendar

   sometimes your the windshield; sometimes your the bug.

   Cop: "Sir, what's in the bottle next to you? Me: "It's water" Cop: "Sir, this is wine" Me: "What? Damn Jesus! He always plays this prank on me!"

   never fakes it!

   ( . ,)-(__ --> __)===] So, I just planked on fb. Game over. I win. :)

   Wish I could change my relationship status to "batteries dead" LOL

   Just change the name of my ipod to The Titanic. So whenever I plug it in to my computer it says the titanic is syncing.

   69 - Some may call it nasty but I call it a romantic dinner for 2.

   The sexual position, more commonly known as 69 will now be known as 96. Due to the economy, it now costs more to eat out than it used to

   Sometimes, I drive by the schoolyard and scream "STOP WASTING YOUR TIME!" to white kids playing basketball.

   My computer asks "Delete cookies?" Cookie Monster pounds on my door, shouting, "NOOOO! KEEP COOKIES!"

   I used to see this girl across the road from me. She would get naked for me each morning it was great. But now she closes her curtains.

   Apparently, "Press 1 for English" is now code for "Transfer me to someone in India who can fuc k this up for you in a big way"

   found the secret to life via this mathematical formula. To calculate, enter the following in Google: exp((-(((x-4)^2+(y-4)^2)^2))/1000)+exp((-(((x+4)^2+(y+4)^2)^2))/1000)+0.15*exp(-(((x+4)^2+(y+ 4)^2)^2))+0.15*exp(-(((x-4)^2+(y-4)^2)^2

   You really cant blame Bill for cheating... The only thing I want to stick in Hillary is the claw end of a hammer.

   found Wonka's last golden ticket!

   pleasure and frustration, right as you're about to cum, they do a 10 second shot of the dude's face!

   I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

   Tila Tequila says in interview that she's a hardcore conservative. It's no wonder why she thinks the earth is flat.