Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   what f#cking idiot named them jet-skis instead of boatercycles

   I use to wake up Grumpy...now I just let her sleep!

   Just got my name of the list for the new iPhone 6 due out next month..

   Justin Bieber is the Brand Ambassador of sanitary pads.

   an iOS6 user walks into a bar...or a bank...or a river...they're not sure, really !

   if God intended for man to pick stuff up from the floor, he would have made us shorter than woman...

   Whenever I delete an app on my iPhone, the shaking icons make me feel like they're panicking over who's next to go.

   Really Olive Garden, Unlimited breadsticks? I'll have 20.000 of them. Oh I can't have 20.000? then their not unlimited are they?

   When you're walking and texting and you walk slower and slower and slower till you're just standing there texting..

   I really tend to have less tolerance of ugly people.

   Relationship Killers : Insecurity, trust issues, Facebook, Twitter, jealousy, lack of communication, assumptions

   Rosie O'Donnell fired again from a talk-show, for the 4th time. Time to quit attempts at being so serious and go back to fat lesbian stand-up comedy.

   I love Captain Crunch,,, and by that I mean I can't get enough of tasting the "roof of my mouth" skin... Two more bowls till I can tongue my brain.

   About to have a threesome with Aunt Jamima and Mrs Butterworth

   I was in Quickstop earlier and the cashier said she felt like a zombie. I stabbed her in the eye with a pen. Better safe than sorry.

   Put deep thought in before you jump that little fence to "greener pastures". Because when you try to go back, and you probably will try, that same fence may become an infinite wall...

   attention Hot Women of Vegas...if you insist on wearing skinny, hot women clothes while visiting, please make sure you are, in fact, a skiiny, hot girl!!!

   Dear ASPCA,Why don't you use the money you spend on airing that same commercial to feed those animals.Yours truly ,Pissed off TV Viewer.

   Win of the day! I got pulled over by a state trooper for doing 65 in a 40. When he asked why I was going so fast I told him " I need a bathroom, I feel like I'm going to sh!t myself." he laughed so hard he let me go! No b.s.

   found out what smoking is good for. Yuppie repellent. I'm now going to invest in a box of cigars.