Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just got my name of the list for the new iPhone 6 due out next month..

   Justin Bieber is the Brand Ambassador of sanitary pads.

   an iOS6 user walks into a bar...or a bank...or a river...they're not sure, really !

   if God intended for man to pick stuff up from the floor, he would have made us shorter than woman...

   Sorry I called you stupid. It was insensitive and heartless of me... Also, I just assumed that you knew.

   Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 17 books and showered.

   It's hard to be a good person when kids fit so perfectly into trash cans.

   Best Relationship: Talk like best-friends, play like children, argue like husband and wife, protect each other like brother and sister.

   Coffee so bitter it blocked me on Facebook.

   The louder you make a women moan increases your chances of having a sandwich.

   I REPEAT,,,, THE ESCAPED OCTOPUS IS HEAVILY ARMED

   I was in Quickstop earlier and the cashier said she felt like a zombie. I stabbed her in the eye with a pen. Better safe than sorry.

   Put deep thought in before you jump that little fence to "greener pastures". Because when you try to go back, and you probably will try, that same fence may become an infinite wall...

   attention Hot Women of Vegas...if you insist on wearing skinny, hot women clothes while visiting, please make sure you are, in fact, a skiiny, hot girl!!!

   Dear ASPCA,Why don't you use the money you spend on airing that same commercial to feed those animals.Yours truly ,Pissed off TV Viewer.

   Win of the day! I got pulled over by a state trooper for doing 65 in a 40. When he asked why I was going so fast I told him " I need a bathroom, I feel like I'm going to sh!t myself." he laughed so hard he let me go! No b.s.

   found out what smoking is good for. Yuppie repellent. I'm now going to invest in a box of cigars.

   A man asked a prostitute, “How much is one round?” The Prostitute replies,"100 on the bed, 50 on the sofa and 20 on the floor. The man gives her 100 and the Prostitute says, 'Wow a classy guy' The man replies, “classy my a$$, I want 5 times on the

   Life is like a big fart........You come into the world, make a big stink, and then you just fade away!....

   Whenever I delete an app on my iPhone, the shaking icons make me feel like they're panicking over who's next to go.