Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thank you hot syrupy flavor, every morning I wake to savor, I drink you with one eye sleepy that fact I can rhyme this early is kinda creepy

   When black girls take off their earrings you know s$it just got real.

   Whoever said "If you love something, let it go" should have clarified that statement with "but not if it's a baby!"

   Other than Whitney Houston...all the dates are wrong. Jackson was 50, JFK was 46 and Winehouse was 27..to make a joke..get the facts right..becomes funnier..Little thing called Google

   No but seriously if you are still posting pics of what you got for Valentines you do know you are the other chick right?

   Sorry! i'm not desperate because i'm single. I'm single, because i'm not desperate.

   My piss constantly smells of Sugar Puffs, The doctor asked me today if it hurts? I said "Only when the free plastic toy comes out."

   The older you get, the better you are at doing, but the worse you look doing it.

   This one time my date was really ugly but I was horny so I roofied both our drinks :/

   U don't need friends to show how cool you r, or how great ur personality is. The tiger spends most of his time alone while sheeps are always in a herd

   That girl is a LOBSTER! All the meat is in the tail.

   it is so hot I saw a bird use potholders to remove a worm from the ground

   if you catch your woman having sex with another woman, just say the three magic words, "Tag me in!"

   "God has a sense of humor. Don't believe me?... go to Walmart and just look at people."

   Supervisors never get sick but their employees are sick throughout half the year...

   Anthony Weiner just needs to call Bill Clinton and get advice from a pro.

   OMG! Maury Povich just pulled up with a camera crew.. My fathers day just got complicated.

   Monday is like a math problem. Add irritation, subtract sleep, multiply problems & divide happiness. I hate Mondays!

   If I swallow magnets will I be attractive?

   She asked if I had any experience operating heavy equipment, there's smoke coming from her v@gina now.