Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Monday is like a math problem. Add irritation, subtract sleep, multiply problems & divide happiness. I hate Mondays!

   If I swallow magnets will I be attractive?

   She asked if I had any experience operating heavy equipment, there's smoke coming from her v@gina now.

   I'm so broke, my bologna don't have a first name!

   Dear eyelashes, wish bones, dandelions, pennies in fountains, shooting stars, 11:11, and birthday candles. YOU FAILED.

   Well, in happier news, I was shocked to step from of the shower and find out I was out of deodorant---so I smeared a magazine sample of Old Spice "night life" under my arms until I get to the store...Macgyver ain't got nothin on me!

   One of the hardest things to do when you're playing toys with a 5yr old is to let him beat up ur superman action figure with the robinaction figure he's using without explaining to him why that would nevereverevereverfuckinghappen....ever

   I'm never wrong. One time, I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken...

   Only 33 days until the end of the world. Why is everyone acting so normal?

   When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.

   Whenever I feel hungry, I just log onto Facebook and like everyone's food pictures until I feel full.

   Being a slut won't solve your problems, it might solve mine, but it won't solve yours.

   "Seriously, do I need a breaking news update on my phone about Kim and Kanye's kid pic that was shown for the first time today? God bless them all, but England's new baby heir to the throne pics were the best of all time!"--- Taylor Swift.

   I'm really starting to get concerned about the lack of seatbelt use on the bangbus..

   Whatever happen to all the Kony fever?

   Occupy North Pole, because Santa loves the rich kids more.........

   FACT: Handicapped parking spaces to handicapped drivers ratio is way too high.

   Once you're on the third movie, isn't it just Normal Activity?

   Blah Blah Blah can you Blah Blah Blah . Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah . I need you to Blah Blah Blah . I think my wife is talking to me

   Thank you hot syrupy flavor, every morning I wake to savor, I drink you with one eye sleepy that fact I can rhyme this early is kinda creepy