Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Eskimo: "If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?" Priest: "No, not if you did not know." Eskimo: "Then why did you tell me?"

   I read that the first vibrator was created to cure women who had hysteria....So I guess they created the first vacuum hose to cure men high blood pressure...

   Due to the amount of spam by a high number of people playing this number game, I will now block/hide every person from my newsfeed who is doing this.. You have killed our newsfeed with personal msgs and spam. This is not twitter, so please stop

   unfriended several people. Apparently the whole "other people can see what you say on here" concept doesn't resonate with them.

   says Real Men of Genius....Today we salute you, Mr. Compulsive Status Update Checker.

   hears the call of a lonely Crown Royal bottle. It's OK little buddy, I'll keep you company...

   You know the bars are closing when you see drunk girls in high heels walking down the street with the grace of newborn baby giraffes.

   In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is damn bacteria.

   Insurance costs are so outrageous the only healthcare most Americans can afford is from Dr. Pepper.

   Day five of the Insanity Workout. Ten minutes of talking to a mailbox... Followed by an hour at McDonald's with a sword.

   Just found out What the Braille on the drive-thru ATM actually says, "Move to the passenger seat"

   When someone is bringing more sorrow than happiness into your life, it's time to show them the exit door.

   Being an Ahole to chicks to get rid of them is like menstruating to get rid of bears.

   Just lost my job at the funeral, I guess I'm just not a mourning person

   I was drivin home tonight and was singin away and seen a tree ahead and swerved to miss it and realized it was my air freshener hangin from my rear view mirror!!!! CLOSE CALL!!!

   Went to Walmart in my bum yard work clothes today ..but strangley did not feel out of place...

   B**ch please. Don't confuse hate with jealousy.

   I invented an app that detects your proximity to an obstacle as you walk and text, then takes your pic on impact and posts to Instagram.

   My neighbors are slamming doors and screaming at each other, keeping me awake. I retaliated by playing Nickelback super loud, We all lose tonight.

   Schwarzenegger is making yet another Terminator film. I'm not saying he's old, but this time Sarah Connor will be played by Angela Lansbury.