Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   “The only trouble with resisting temptation is that you may not get another chance...

   if Obama is the answer, it was a stupid question!

   The Republicans are so happy about bin Laden they've granted President Obama full citizenship

   Because He lives, I can face tomorrow. Because He lives, All fear is gone. I don't know about the rest of you, but I think that's pretty AWESOME!

   Treat your girl right, or another guy will

   hope my wife gets her next period in a shark tank

   What do you call a gay driveby......................A fruit roll-up!!!

   George Zimmerman has been back and forth to jail for murder, battery, gun charges and now assault and Still keeps getting bail!?!? The Florida justice system is an embarrassment

   You haven't lived until you've passed through a birth canal.

   Did you get those pants on sale? cause I can get them 100% off

   I dare you to walk into the cookie factory and say "Hi I'm here to apply for the fudge packer position".

   WANTED... Illegal immigrant to act as a mud flap for a 1978 Ford Cortina. Must be flexible and willing to travel.

   WIFE: Honey, before we got married, you used to buy me expensive gifts and take me out for dinner and now you don't. Why is that? HUSBAND: B!tch please! Have you ever seen a fisherman giving worms to a fish he has already caught?

   When a person gets a dui and kills people we blame the person.. when a person blows up a building we blame that person.. when there is a mass shooting we blame the gun lmao

   At least I can sleep at night knowing the best person won the election.

   Go to Google Translate and translate from German to German. Paste this into the box "pv zk pv pv zk pv zk kz zk pv pv pv zk pv zk zk pzk pzk pvzkpvpvzk kkkkk bsch" Click Listen!

   Never Ever Ever Play leap Frog with A Unicorn

   radiating a glow of pure awesomeness

   I bet you didn't know that women can get b o n e r s...True story... They get them right in their mouth.

   Fellas: Make sure you always treat the women in your life with respect and dignity. From your grandmother, mother, sister to your girlfriend or wife, because a woman never forgets how you treat her.