Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   usually good looking, but today is his day off.

   busy fighting all her other personalities Crazy, Neurotic, and Shy on who gets to write the status message today….to be continued

   A creditor called, but I told her that Jesus already paid my debt when he died on the cross, then hung up. Read the Bible, b*tch.

   Neo-Nazi Rapist, Murderer Keith Luke Found Dead In Apparent Suicide. Another Republican off the voters' roll.

   should shout "You Lie!" in church just to see what happens...

   I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

   First 5 people to like this shall receive a hand crafted statue of me wrestling an invisible bear.

   I bought a dog once. Named him Stay. "Come here, Stay." He's insane now.

   My adopted asian baby and I went to go pick out a pet, I suggested a lizard and she started screaming and crying. Who knew asian babies know of godzilla at 2 years of age

   outsmarted Santa this year... see I need coal to heat my house, so I was extra bad so I would get more coal! Now who's laughing fat guy?

   you cry, I cry; you laugh, I laugh; but when you jump off a bridge into a lake... i'll be ready with the boat :D

   Would you still eat from a bowl of jellybeans if you knew one out of a hundred will kill you? Same applies to refugees…

   Lets just paint a happy little red wave right here ~Bob Ross~

   Dear people who spell shop 'shoppe', please stoppe.

   Due to the coal shortage Santa will be giving Nickelback CD's to all the bad kids this year!

   Did you know that the word "suns" upside down is still "suns"? Mind = BLOWN

   Ask Bin Laden what a "scared little American with a gun" can do!!!

   A woman is not an object, listen to what it says.

   They say milk gives you strenght so I drank 5 glasses and still couldnt move a wall, I tried 13 shots of vodka and saw the wall move by itself.

   Sorry sir...but your wife didn't make it.. ) : Was it*sniff*...lack of prayers on facebook? D : Yes sir...i'm afraid it was... ( ._.)