Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A creditor called, but I told her that Jesus already paid my debt when he died on the cross, then hung up. Read the Bible, b*tch.

   Neo-Nazi Rapist, Murderer Keith Luke Found Dead In Apparent Suicide. Another Republican off the voters' roll.

   should shout "You Lie!" in church just to see what happens...

   I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

   First 5 people to like this shall receive a hand crafted statue of me wrestling an invisible bear.

   I bought a dog once. Named him Stay. "Come here, Stay." He's insane now.

   My adopted asian baby and I went to go pick out a pet, I suggested a lizard and she started screaming and crying. Who knew asian babies know of godzilla at 2 years of age

   outsmarted Santa this year... see I need coal to heat my house, so I was extra bad so I would get more coal! Now who's laughing fat guy?

   you cry, I cry; you laugh, I laugh; but when you jump off a bridge into a lake... i'll be ready with the boat :D

   Accidentally went grocery shopping hungry and now I'm the proud owner of isle 6...

   If she spits on the hotdog before she eats the hotdog, she's a keeper.

   My toenails taste different. Hope I'm not sick...

   I spent 2 years in therapy for my Phil Collins addiction but I did it. Against all odds. Just take a look at me now.

   Dear people who spell shop 'shoppe', please stoppe.

   Due to the coal shortage Santa will be giving Nickelback CD's to all the bad kids this year!

   Did you know that the word "suns" upside down is still "suns"? Mind = BLOWN

   Whenever I have gum, I suddenly get a lot more friends.

   What do you call an Oklahoma farmer with a sheep under each arm? A pimp. ;)

   Would you still eat from a bowl of jellybeans if you knew one out of a hundred will kill you? Same applies to refugees…

   Lets just paint a happy little red wave right here ~Bob Ross~