Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Virgins... Thanks for nothing...

   can tell you the 5 most unappealing words in the English language... Used Hot Tub For Sale.

   I don't hate you, but I hope you fall in love and get married.

   Name brands really are better... For instance, I just found out that a "Tide pen" will work much better on a stain, then a regular pen.

   Life is like toilet paper, your either on a roll or taking $hit from an a$$hole.

   There is a big difference between a boy and a girl when the sy "I went through a whole box of tissue watching a movie".

   I'm actually a pretty normal person when you ignore the faint cries for help coming from my basement.

   It would be a good day if one could afford to even shoot their Ak ;)

   My favorite part of Thanksgiving day is when I stuff the Bird. My wife enjoys it too but wishes I'd find another nickname for her lady parts.

   Its almost that time kids...Does everyone have their plungers ready?

   FUN PRANK: Purchase any item at a CVS,, and then toilet paper the whole store with your receipt...... TWICE

   I have to be on antibiotics for the next week for an infection. Meanwhile, my yogurt provides a daily dose of probiotics. Now the antibiotics and probiotics will be waging a 7 day Biotic War for control of my insides.

   Maury would be out of business had the polygraph never been invented.

   "Lazy" is a strong word. I prefer to call it selective participation.

   If you're giving me directions, please don't confuse me by using words like north, south, east or west.

   Hip-hop sounds like my grandpa named it.

   Although 2016 was expected, Apple has announced the coming year will only be 2015s.

   I heard Steve Harvey is a presenter at the Oscars this year, maybe Leonardo Dicaprio can win one for a few minutes.

   I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying "get a load of this guy" every time someone walked in

   You can now buy booze at Starbucks. So apparently my letter-writing campaign paid off.