Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Counterfeit $1 bills reportedly found in circulation. Be on the lookout for hot singles in your area.

   "A group of West Virginians who can't shower, brush their teeth or feed their babies? A&E, you got your next hit!"

   Two men came to the door asking if I'd found Jesus. I had no idea he was missing and I suddenly got nervous thinking I might be a suspect.

   if Kanye did become president, the first lady will be. . . let that sit in

   Jurassic Park was a cautionary tale about the dangers of underpaying IT workers

   Irony: The Vatican owns enough treasures that could end world poverty. Twice.

   Girls who act stupid because they think it's cute need to be slapped in the face with a d*ck.

   You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.

   Donald Trump was asked if he could quote any Bible verses. He replied: "Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day; deport him and you do not have to feed him again " Trump 20:17

   Doubt your doubts and believe your beliefs, never believe your doubts and never doubt your beliefs.

   Every time I step on my scale, it reads ERR. I think it's trying to change the subject.

   thinking that Jeffrey Dahmer is the only person whose bologna really did have a first name.....

   Every time you lick a 9 volt, battery, you lick every person that's licked that 9 volt battery.

   wonders if bear cubs wrestle and bite each other to prepare for hunting and caring for themselves as adults, why do babies pull folded laundry out of a basket and lay it all over the floor? Preparing to be husbands?

   You know it's time to break-up when the little things start to piss you off: "Damn girl, do you HAVE to close your eyes every time you blink? F*ck this sh!t, I'M OUT!!"

   Went to the movies. There must have been 400 people. Most of them were not there to see the movie, but to compete in a popcorn box and chocolate wrapper rustling competition. Others came to cough

   Going on a walk. Like some kind of freakin' car-less hippie moron.

   did you know....that if you set fire to LMFAO....they'll become ROTFLMAO?

   Ghetto counting: 1) Wahh. 2) Two. 3) Three. 4) Foe. 5) Fieee. 6) Sih. 7) Selm. 8) Ate. 9) Naa. 10) Teh. 11) Lem. 12) Twehh.

   "If I had a communicable disease, it would look just like Ebola" - Barack Obama