Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you don't believe in oral sex....then keep your mouth shut!

   Counterfeit $1 bills reportedly found in circulation. Be on the lookout for hot singles in your area.

   "A group of West Virginians who can't shower, brush their teeth or feed their babies? A&E, you got your next hit!"

   Two men came to the door asking if I'd found Jesus. I had no idea he was missing and I suddenly got nervous thinking I might be a suspect.

   if Kanye did become president, the first lady will be. . . let that sit in

   Jurassic Park was a cautionary tale about the dangers of underpaying IT workers

   Irony: The Vatican owns enough treasures that could end world poverty. Twice.

   Girls who act stupid because they think it's cute need to be slapped in the face with a d*ck.

   You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.

   Some chick told me to get lost so I bought every season on DVD.

   I watch Zombie movies while eating watermelon. Makes me feel like I'm practicing in case I ever become one.

   Roses are red, Violets are glorious, Don't try to surprise Oscar Pistorious.

   When I was a child, my dad tried to force-feed me. After a while, my mom said, "Just use a spoon, Mike. You're not a Jedi."

   Justin Bieber's music is actually really good!...Once you turn the volume down all the way.

   "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" The doctor says, "It's Not Unusual."

   I could stand to lose a few pounds, so I'm cutting out my oversized heart. It has done me no favors anyway.

   You know it's time to break-up when the little things start to piss you off: "Damn girl, do you HAVE to close your eyes every time you blink? F*ck this sh!t, I'M OUT!!"

   Went to the movies. There must have been 400 people. Most of them were not there to see the movie, but to compete in a popcorn box and chocolate wrapper rustling competition. Others came to cough

   Going on a walk. Like some kind of freakin' car-less hippie moron.

   did you know....that if you set fire to LMFAO....they'll become ROTFLMAO?