Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   strong winds on the east coast....not Hurricane Sandy...its just congress in Washingoton DC blowing air out their mouths

   Before Facebook we all had to lie about how happy we are in person.

   I hate when someone sends me a text and puts LOL at the end. I'll decide if I'm gonna laugh or not.

   Whoever said “he’s only a dog” obviously never owned a dog.

   Some people think I'm quiet, others wish I was.

   I don't care about what people think or say about me. At least mosquitoes find me attractive and appealing.

   You know how people dread going to the dentist? I feel that way about getting out of bed.

   My fiance and her mom say more in one phone conversation to each other than my dad and I have in my entire life.

   Peeing in the bath to rewarm it for her is not as romantic as you may think.

   Madonna is 55, her boyfriend is 22. J-Lo is 46 her man is 26. So if you’re single now, don’t worry, you’re probably a paed0phile.

   Lighting a cigarette immediately after buckling your seat belt is like saying "I wanna die soonish, just not today."

   Katy Perry looks like if an emoticon came to life.

   Where the heck is that "Polka" button on Facebook that everyone keeps talking about?! I have my accordion and I'm ready to boogie.

   Sadly this power outage is more exciting than the actual game.

   If you are afraid of loneliness, do not marry.

   Worrying Is like a rocking chair, sure it gives you something to do but in the end, it gets you nowhere.

   "Dont I know you from somewhere?" = The absolute worst thing to say to someone who is robbing you at gunpoint...

   happy P.O.E.T.S. Day, everyone! Piss On Everything Tommrows Saturday.

   wondering if you have multiple personalities and threaten to kill yourself, is it considered a hostage situation?

   Wedding's in 3 weeks, I wish I could invite all of you but the Waffle House only fits 43.