Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i'm convinced marliyn manson and lady gaga are the same person

   Whoever likes mondays; raise your left hand. Good, now use your right hand to slap yourself in the face, stupid.

   I am still disappointed that I was not nominated for a BET award.

   why does LIFE keep teaching me lessons I have no desire to learn?

   A lesson I learned in the hospital... when you push the help call button you might as well pull out a book. But when you masturbate while forgetting you're attached to a heart monitor, it sets off alarms in the nurses station and they show up within secon

   Why do people post that they are cleaning their home on Facebook? Everybody cleans their home so the fact that you are too is not special...What do you want, a cookie?

   When I see professional clowns, mimes, or people who make balloon animals, I think of their relatives and how disappointed they must be.

   last Valentine's Day I was f**king stupid, but this year she's f**king somebody else!

   News flash to all men: contrary to popular belief, driving a cool sports car or a LARGE PICK UP TRUCK does not make your penis any bigger.

   I went to my acupuncturist today. He told me to take two thumbtacks and call him in the morning.

   I don't wanna be loved I just wanna quickie No bite marks, no scratches, and no hickeys !

   Dear Lord, please give me the strength to forgive those who put LOL in their status updates

   When you hear people speak in another language: 6% I wish I could speak that. 94% Those b**ches better not be talking about me...

   OR you could go for the gay approach...."One man's junk is another man's treasure"

   The old lady in line at CVS had a stray thread on her sweater. I pulled it and her entire central nervous system unraveled.

   Laughter is a wonderful sound. It cheers you up, it holds you up, and makes you believe that a simple sound can make unwelcome emotions disappear

   You know you're drunk when you can speak fluent Ozzy Osbourne

   if you cant afford to go on vacation,u can always drink until you dont know where you are

   14-year old Becky writes "Stop wars" as her Facebook status. It gets nine "likes", all from world leaders. Peace reigns forever. She did it.

   BEST EXCUSE: I didn't scream out someone else's name during sex. I was thinking of baby names in case you get pregnant...