Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'd only consider running at night because frankly I'd rather be found dead in a ditch than have anybody see me running.

   Hahahaha!!! Pour me some more Champagne! Fuck!n' A! WOO HOO! YAY! YAY! ~Little Debbie

   I am as messed up as the alphabetical order on a keyboard.

   Instead of getting married, I'm just gonna cut through all the other stuff and just buy someone I hate a house, and give them half my stuff.

   It's not my fault….you had dimples.

   The recent break up of Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez has left a void in my list of things I don't give a toot about.

   I don't know how many girls it takes to change a light-bulb but I guarantee you they'd post pictures of them doing it on Facebook.

   If being romantic means at least I didn't set you on fire then yes, I'm romantic.

   There aren't choking warning labels on condoms but they have them on water balloons?

   My workout video is just a 15 minute clip of me dodging my boss around the office.

   If at first you don't succeed, try drinking wine while doing it. You'll be amazed at how much less you care.

   "Trust Me When I say Anyone can DANCE!!!!!" - Jack Daniels

   Always be sure to keep a good Facebook profile picture.This will be the photo plastered allover the news when something goes horribly wrong.

   Kept making the same mistakes in life, so I call them traditions now.

   You guys, how can true love still exist if we don't have mixed tapes anymore?

   here's to the guys who see the girl of their dreams go after the wrong type of guys

   I may not be great at math but your lies just don't add up.

   Itunes was wrong, the hottest single of the year is me.

   Seems most people live life to the foolest...

   If you forward these idiotic chain posts and "If I get a thousand likes" posts, I automatically think you're stupid.