Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's not my fault….you had dimples.

   The recent break up of Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez has left a void in my list of things I don't give a toot about.

   I don't know how many girls it takes to change a light-bulb but I guarantee you they'd post pictures of them doing it on Facebook.

   If being romantic means at least I didn't set you on fire then yes, I'm romantic.

   There aren't choking warning labels on condoms but they have them on water balloons?

   My workout video is just a 15 minute clip of me dodging my boss around the office.

   If at first you don't succeed, try drinking wine while doing it. You'll be amazed at how much less you care.

   "Trust Me When I say Anyone can DANCE!!!!!" - Jack Daniels

   Always be sure to keep a good Facebook profile picture.This will be the photo plastered allover the news when something goes horribly wrong.

   Kept making the same mistakes in life, so I call them traditions now.

   You guys, how can true love still exist if we don't have mixed tapes anymore?

   here's to the guys who see the girl of their dreams go after the wrong type of guys

   I may not be great at math but your lies just don't add up.

   Itunes was wrong, the hottest single of the year is me.

   Seems most people live life to the foolest...

   If you forward these idiotic chain posts and "If I get a thousand likes" posts, I automatically think you're stupid.

   The President's claim that the economy is improving, and the news that "Girls Gone Wild" has filed for bankruptcy seem to fly in the face of compatibility.

   I do a five-minute open mic set several times a week. The order taker at Jack in the Box thinks I'm a riot.

   Leaving the house with my phone at 30% battery, wish me luck everyone. Send me your prayers in these tough times.

   You're Now Aware That You Can't Say.. "IRISH WRISTWATCH"