Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This just in... OJ Found not quilty... Oh wait...

   The mad dog of the Middle East is now the stray dog of Hell's streets.

   Great news for YOU , I found a prostitute that charges by the inch, I obviusly can't afford her but I figured I'd pass it onto you so you could enjoy a cheap night out

   I wanted to save my children some money down the road so I already purchased my headstone for the cemetery. It reads "I'm not dead yet."

   If you suddenly find yourself unable to access some parts of my Facebook page, don't panic, it just means I have quarantined and placed your stalkin' a$$ on the RESTRICTED list. Thanks Facebook for this great new tool.

   I had my family tree done… turns out I'm a quarter gay on my father's side.

   Before Facebook, I used to be stupid in the confines and privacy of my own mind.

   I come up with all my best ideas when I'm drunk.

   Its funny how some people can talk crap behind your back and then act like they got your back when they see you.

   You don't need a parachute to skydive......unless you want to do it again.

   Women have to deal with periods and pregnancy, men have to deal with women. It's all about balance.

   I reviewed the statistics, crunched some numbers and calculated the risk and discovered that the chances of me get ran over while sitting on my couch are far less than they are when I am jogging. I must be lazy for my wellbeing.......

   Any good lawyers out there? I just found out that some broad named E.L. James is using me and my life as the inspiration for the main male character in some book she has out, without asking me for permission or giving me any of the proceeds. I'm outraged

   I come from a long line of people waiting to get in.

   The best way to spread the most news in the least time is to disguise it as a secret.

   The cashier is wearing a tank top with no bra and instead of my ATM code all I keep typing into the machine is SIDEBOOB.

   I need a new recliner but I don't feel like shopping. Lazy boy...

   I just killed my alarm clock. ~ it was about time

   Thank you back to back Sandals and Trojan commercials for making me feel especially single this evening.

   I saw a sign today that made me P!$$ my pants! It said "Bathroom closed."