Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It is friggin' cold folks...feels like about 5 degrees with a shrinkage factor of ~9...well, at least for some of us...

   now on two diets...because she was still hungry after just one

   You know its going to be a bad week when you got a case of the Mondays on a Tuesday.

   Charlie Sheen stole Brett Favre's cell phone.

   At the grocery store tonight, I looked down into our basket and realized we live with old people. :(

   off to kill plants and zombies.

   thinks maybe Kanye should take his toys and go play with Joy Bahar. I'm sure she needs the ratings.

   I hate whoever invented 6:30 am

   What? Pale anti-social skinny white guys are now considered sexy! Thank you Twilight!!

   There are more important things in life than money. The trouble is they all cost money.

   wonders if people in the porn industry are ever "In the mood"?

   Chaos, panic and disorder. My work here is done.

   if I was the type of person who's day was ruined just by seeing a certain someone, then my day would be ruined quite often.

   The mad dog of the Middle East is now the stray dog of Hell's streets.

   Great news for YOU , I found a prostitute that charges by the inch, I obviusly can't afford her but I figured I'd pass it onto you so you could enjoy a cheap night out

   I wanted to save my children some money down the road so I already purchased my headstone for the cemetery. It reads "I'm not dead yet."

   If you suddenly find yourself unable to access some parts of my Facebook page, don't panic, it just means I have quarantined and placed your stalkin' a$$ on the RESTRICTED list. Thanks Facebook for this great new tool.

   I had my family tree done… turns out I'm a quarter gay on my father's side.

   Before Facebook, I used to be stupid in the confines and privacy of my own mind.

   I come up with all my best ideas when I'm drunk.