Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes my LOL just means, Lack-Of-Laughter

   I had an appointment at the sperm bank today, but I had to call up to say I couldn't come.

   I will not apologize for being awesome.

   There’s “hell” in hello, “good” in goodbye, “lie” in believe, “over” in lover, “end” in friend, “ex” in “next”, & “if” in life.

   I do not like racism of any kind. It's disrespectful to all the coloreds.

   I like my women the same way I like my hangover, gone by the time I get out of bed.

   Lefties eat yellow snow on Winter Solstice.

   Kids can't read the Bible in school, but are encouraged to read it in prison. Maybe if we allowed them to read it in school, they might never end up in prison.

   Last night I had a dream I was a muffler and I woke up exhausted...

   FOX News is reporting that 19 of those Arkansas birds were members of Al-Qaeda

   The original plan for Mount Rushmore was to have them all making out with each other.

   Didn't Paul Ryan play the part of Eddie Munster ?

   Yes a few rounds being dumped into your back is above and beyond excessive force. And murder. But once again, it's very simple, if you comply, you don't die... Pants Up Don't Loot!!!

   The kids outside my window have challenged me to a water fight... I'm just updating my status while I wait for the kettle to boil.

   Im not an angry person...but that chick singing christmas carols in the hyundai commercial makes me want to punch a sleeping baby in the face!!!!

   If a woman accidentally poops while wearing a thong, is that considered a "log splitter"?

   I hate when couples say "I love you." after just a week of dating. Ignorant fools. Makes me want to slap them in the face.

   When two people are meant for each other, no time is too long, no distance is too far and no one can ever tear them apart.

   saw a nun in a wheelchair and all I could think.. Virgin Mobile.

   Laughter is the best medicine. But laugh for no reason and you need medicine.