Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tonight I'm going to have my favorite drink. It's called "a lot."

   So when is this 'old enough to know better' suppose to kick in ?

   I bet Jim Harbaugh used to unplug the Nintendo when his brother was winning.

   To many Generals are taking orders from their privates

   I will take a boring joke here any day over any more Zimmerman p0sts.

   I have no interest in skydiving. I get enough of an adrenaline rush hoping my debit card goes through.

   Wrestling is obviously fake. Why would two people fight over a belt when neither of them are wearing pants?

   Ever notice it's only "stalking" if the person doing the stalking is unattractive.

   I'm just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.

   Guys if you ever want to imagine what a woman's mind feels like imagine a browser with 2,859 tabs open. All. The. Time.

   Sometimes, I wonder if the weather app on my phone even looks outside.

   Some people grunt at the gym; I scream at the top of my lungs THEY KILLED MY FAMILY as I lift weights.

   Golf ball sized hail wouldn't be so destructive if we just made golf balls a lot smaller.Do I have to think of everything?!

   The AMA does NOT reward talented MUSICIANS for making remarkable music, it rewards ENTERTAINERS for entertaining the easily entertained.

   My boss told me "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have" Am now sat in a disciplinary meeting wearing my Batman costume

   8 year old kids today have Facebook, twitter, phones, iPod. When I was there age, I had a coloring book, crayons, chalk, and imagination.

   Ladies: guys don't care if the carpet matches the drapes as long as there is no rug on the back porch.

   Dear Tampax... a few thoughts.. World peace.. Vibrating tampons... you're welcome.

   The Pinky Toe:The most sensitive part of your body when it comes to finding furniture in the Dark.

   the deputy in the van did NOT think it was funny when I pulled along side the striped uniform worker and yelled "QUICK, GET IN!"