Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   friends don't let friends drink with Ben Roethlisberger.

   I don't hate the police but I seem to feel better when they're not around.

   The strawberry shampoo doesn't taste as good as it smells.

   got a head start on Christmas next year, I already have my tree up!

   i do what I please and I please who I do.

   thinks it should be illegal to do construction, mow, and/or weed whack before noon.

   I'm not 40-something. I'm $39.95 plus shipping and handling.

   Life is a journey, with plenty of stops at the liquor store to make it bearable.

   Because I have a bullhorn and you do not! Your fancy book learnin' should've taught you that the strong do what they want, and the weak endure what they must.

   Weekend goal: To get some dirty deeds done dirty cheap.

   Jersey Shore is the reason for mental retardation in America. #teamlohan

   Dear MySpace, Oh I`m sorry, What`s the name of YOUR movie? Sincerely, Facebook

   In soviet Russia, bacon loves you.

   running with scissors!

   I hated Obama back when it wasn't cool to hate Obama.

   So obama is a descendent of the first slave, thats such a convenient discovery around election time. I guess nobody thought about checking his family tree four years ago. ancestry.com also discovered romney's ancestors were the first slave owners..

   The cops came to my house earlier saying that my dog had chased someone on a bike. I said, my dog doesn't have a bike

   If you watch Titanic backwards, . It is a heart warming tale of a Ship Which jumps out of the water And Saves lots of drowning people . . .

   Thank heaven 4-7-11

   Love's redeeming work is done. Fought the fight, the battle won. Death in vain forbids him rise, Christ has opened paradise! Alleluia he is risen