Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In any kind of relationship…you learn more about someone at the end of that relationship than at the beginning……

   This Lady in a Hummer at the next pump was b*tching about gas prices on a gold iPhone holding a Starbucks. Long story short I need bail money.

   Nicki Minaj looks like an unlocked character that you would get on the last level of Mortal Kombat.

   A recycling firm in Silicon Valley is searching for a woman who dropped off a rare Apple-1 computer that fetched $200,000 at auction. They need the password so they can delete Bono's tracks from it.

   if noone comes from the future to stop you, how bad of a decision could it really be?

   ALS Foundation admits that only 27% of donations are used for research!!! How's that bucket of ice feel now?

   Life is a journey, with plenty of stops at the liquor store to make it bearable.

   Because I have a bullhorn and you do not! Your fancy book learnin' should've taught you that the strong do what they want, and the weak endure what they must.

   Weekend goal: To get some dirty deeds done dirty cheap.

   got a head start on Christmas next year, I already have my tree up!

   i do what I please and I please who I do.

   thinks it should be illegal to do construction, mow, and/or weed whack before noon.

   I'm not 40-something. I'm $39.95 plus shipping and handling.

   In soviet Russia, bacon loves you.

   Jersey Shore is the reason for mental retardation in America. #teamlohan

   Dear MySpace, Oh I`m sorry, What`s the name of YOUR movie? Sincerely, Facebook

   friends don't let friends drink with Ben Roethlisberger.

   Vodka..helping ugly girls get laid since since the 1700's

   I don't hate the police but I seem to feel better when they're not around.

   The strawberry shampoo doesn't taste as good as it smells.